Last night Jimmy and I had a rather Big conversation about how neither of us has been keeping our word to ourselves lately. I told him about the NA meeting I went to with a friend, and how the topic was the distraction of the euphoria of new, romantic relationships. I told him we should probably seriously consider if that’s happening to us, as we’ve both been repeatedly choosing comfort — often in the form of being together watching movies, eating ice cream, etc. — over being our word.
A big issue last night was that I was scheduled to do an open mic, but I backed out. I hadn’t had any time to practice, and I just didn’t feel ready. Jimmy coached me, in an annoyingly spot on way, and of course it all went back to fear about not being good enough. And the insecurity is tiring. I’m tired of feeling like an amateur. I’m tired of feeling like I’m an impostor or don’t belong. I’m tired of being a beginner. I told him I just want to be confident now, like I am at work.
We have a trial coming up. We’ve got to pick a jury, question witnesses on the stand, the whole bit. My boss has delegated a lot of these tasks to me. In my six years of practice, I’ve never gone to trial. Something like 5% of cases actually go to trial, so the truth is, in twenty years of practice, my boss really hasn’t, either. But when he began delegating these tasks to me, I felt a little nervous, sure, but — I also felt this certainty that of course I could do it. I have no evidence to back that up, I’ve never done it before. I know I’m smart, I’m a talented lawyer, etc., but I have no clue how I’d be as a trial lawyer. It doesn’t matter — in my core, I just KNOW I can do it (and, really, it’s the knowing of it that will make it true).
So, why can’t I do that with music? And why can’t Jimmy do that with his coaching business? I believe I have a pleasant voice that’s nice to listen to. What I don’t believe is that I’m a musician. Jimmy believes he’s a brilliant coach, and he is. The most brilliant I’ve seen next to Kathy. I think anyone who’s been coached by him also believes it. But he doesn’t believe he’s a businessman.
How does one make that shift? The only thing we could come up with was a renewed commitment to being our word and connecting to what the end-goal is. So this morning I woke up, went to boxing, got the laundry, got to court exactly on time, went to get my ring re-sized, talked to my landlord about moving, and hired a new guitar instructor. I accomplished every single thing I had promised myself I would do.
And then, things started to happen. Gloria told me Jennifer registered for Basic last night. Not only was that incredibly fantastic, but I was now cleared to staff. Then, Jimmy and I started getting RSVPs for our meet-up group (we run a meet-up group that meets on Saturdays — usually the people who come have no affiliation with Advanced Ed or the work, but it gives Jimmy a chance to be Jimmy and both of us an opportunity to stay in the space of contribution). Sometimes 15 people come, sometimes 3 people come, but it’s always powerful. Our RSVP feed had been dead all week, but today, with both of us in action, suddenly people were signing up.
And I had TIME. That was the weirdest part. I browsed online for wedding dresses for something like two hours. How is that even possible, with work as busy as it’s been? I have no idea, but it happened.
And, the more I was in action and keeping my word, the easier it became.
So, the plan is boxing tomorrow and Friday, grounding for staffing Basic on Friday night, meet-up group on Saturday. And I’ve got to repeat the open mic I missed somehow. I told Jimmy I felt like I needed a mentor, so hopefully that’s a function my instructor can serve.
Here’s a practice video of ‘Shadow of The Day’ by Linkin Park (to prove I am doing SOMETHING… however reluctantly): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_NMRFMoftRQ