Charlie Y.’s Journal Update

Major Goal

Nothing really fancy in this goal. I basically spent this week refining the process of preparing my meals, at least with this specific set of recipes. Just stuff like know how much water to put in when I cook black beans, how long to cook them, etc. In other words, just getting in some cooking practice and building up the habit of preparing healthy meals.

Minor Goal

I’ve been really considering joining a gym. There’s a pretty good gym that’s only 3 blocks away from my workplace, and the facilities are pretty nice. I’m leaning away from the body-weight routine that I had originally planned because:

  • Going to the gym means having a reason to leave my house – results in more overall motivation
  • I can’t do specific body-weight exercises in the gym (they won’t allow me)
  • I can go to this gym with friends
  • There’s a specific weight routine that I’m already very, very familiar with that offers great results

I’m feeling a little resistant to the gym because there’s a specific routine I’m attached to called “Starting Strength”. I hurt my back a few years ago, and I’m a little scared that that routine will aggravate it. But, I know when done correctly, that routine offers great strength benefits. I figure I could do a watered-down version of this strength routine so that I can cut weight, but at least retain my strength.

My current plan is to follow Starting Strength, albeit with slight modifications. I’m gonna start off slowly to make sure I have the proper form. And, I’m not going to progress my lifts as much as the routine recommends because I plan on eating at a caloric deficiency.

(Shutup random /fit/izens or BB.com people, I’ve done this before!)

Other

This week has been a bit of an emotional roller coaster for me. Very long story short, I spent a couple days feeling really jealous, sad, and sorry for myself. A girl that I’ve had an on-again/off-again crush started seeing someone and it got me really jealous. I hung out with that social circle on Tuesday and seeing them together made me think, “what happened to us?” “Why’d you pick him over me?” “We’ve known each other for a year and a half and you’ve only known him for a week?” “What does he have that I lack?”

(Not exactly win-win thoughts, right?)

I’ve always had a weird relationship with this girl (let’s call her Jenny). Even before I had a crush on her, she often frustrated me because she tended to be flaky and I experienced her as very guarded, so I was never able to really get to know her. After a while, I felt this romantic tension between us, but every time it seemed like I got just a tiny bit closer to her, she’d withdraw. After a while, she’d open up again just a bit, and then cycle would repeat.

Jenny and I often hung out in a particular social circle, and I spent a lot of time debating with myself over the past several months whether or not it was worth keeping this social circle because it often felt like I was the only one putting effort to make plans. There’s a lot more story to this, so long story short, I’m at a point where it feels like it’s not worth putting in effort to connect with a girl and a group of friends who I experience as nonreciprocal.

I had already been limiting my contact with that particular social circle, but after this week, I think I’ve decided to draw a line in the sand. There’s a definitely a part of me that still thinks, “maybe if I change what I’m being, I can keep this group”. Hell, you can probably sense some wishy-washy-ness in the tone of my writing.

I talked to Ralph from ALP5 on Friday, and he really got me thinking about the idea that “friendship is a gift”. He said, loosely paraphrased, that I shouldn’t give the gift of my friendship to people who are unwilling or unready to accept it. The voice in my head feels resistant to this; it’s saying, “that’s egotistic and narcissistic!” On the other hand, having some personal boundaries feels reasonable.

It also just doesn’t feel right to tell people that they don’t get to go. Even though I experienced Jenny and that group as lacking integrity in many areas, maybe it’s simply how I interpreted things, not reality. I know that part of me is being self-righteous and vindictive. And, I know that there were ways that I was being in the past that caused this to show up. To be honest, I haven’t completed sorted out my thoughts in this area, and I know that I’m not exactly acting from an empowering place. But, I know that I’m getting tired of this whole situation.

On the more positive side of things, I’m trying to drive home the idea that my friendship is actually valuable to others. It’s one of those things that I logically understand, and I can even point to substantial evidence to support this. But, I’m having trouble internalizing it emotionally. I often have negative conversations surrounding my sense of self-worth, and I’m trying to remind myself that they’re just conversations.

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