Haven’t been feeling super inspired or motivated this past week. Been feeling very drift-y and attached to things, behaviors, and people that don’t serve me. A girl issue was on my mind and then Ale’s accident made for a dampened week. Took a little break from life on Friday (a.k.a. reading, relaxing, etc.) and I’ve been feeling pretty jazzed up since.
Been hitting the gym regularly. Making pretty solid progress on my lifts, but progress is slowing but I’m not sure if I can attain the goals that I originally set out. That’s fine, though. I hurt my back pretty badly in high school and I don’t plan on repeating the same mistake. If the goal turns out to be unrealistic, then I’ll simply change it.
Didn’t do much experimentation with meals and recipes like I said I would. Stuck to the same ol’ plan as I did in February and it’s getting painfully boring. I’m going to allocate time on Monday to look inspire myself with recipes or ideas that I actually want to try out.
I’m considering starting the couch to 5k program for some cardio work. I don’t do any cardio at the moment and I feel that my heart and lungs could use some extra strength. A little worried about taking on too much at once and then getting burnt out, but the other part of me feels that I’ve been getting too comfortable recently and this would be a nice stretch. Plus, it would help nicely with my weight-loss goal. Even if I don’t increase my lifts, I would still be increasing strength if my lifts stayed the same while I lost body mass.
This week has been a pretty interesting self-love experience. I started having a lot of negative conversations because that girl Sally never texted me back when I tried to make plans with her. It honestly hurt my feelings, but I noticed that the majority of my conversations weren’t centered around my self-worth (e.g. “she didn’t text me back because I’m not good enough”).
It’s not much better, but lots of those conversations were attacking her (e.g. “wow this bitch plays mad games”). I re-did Collin’s exercise where I write a letter to her and then destroy it. I was pretty pissed at the time I wrote the letter, so it was really just a lot of angry ranting. Looking back, I’m pretty damn embarrassed about the things that I put down, but I know in the end I truly didn’t mean most of what I said. I was just very emotional and needed catharsis. That being said, I was able to get a lot from the exercise and I feel that I grew from it.
So back to self-love. It felt good knowing that my negative conversations weren’t around my self-worth. Ideally I wouldn’t have had these negative conversations in the first place, but I guess it’s still progress. I decided that it’s just not worth my time and effort to pursue someone who actively ignores me. I don’t know for certain if she’s being manipulative or playing games, but I think it’s pretty irrelevant at this point. I decided I’ll be polite to her if I see her in-person, but I won’t go out of my way to create something with her.
The quote, “you only accept the love you think you deserve” had been on my mind a lot this week. I decided, I deserve a fuckton of love. I know that I give a lot of it, and I deserve to be loved and acknowledged. So I’ll put my energy towards those who’ll give it back, rather than chase a carrot on a stick.
I haven’t kept up with my declaration to be proactive on the blog. I’ve been reading posts, but I feel that I could be doing more to contribute. I’m also declaring that I won’t be smoking pot for the next 5 days. I don’t want to phrase it as a victim, but I’ve noticed that weed affects who I’m “being”.