The second half of this cycle was very drift-y for me. To the point where, for a couple of days, I kept telling myself, “I’m going to die alone, nobody loves me, what’s the point of doing anything”. Holy fuck, your brain gets crazy when your basic needs (i.e. calories, water, sleep, connection, etc.) aren’t met.
Sidenote: I wonder if I’m bipolar. I don’t want to throw that word around like it’s nothing, but I do notice that I tend to get a lot of mood swings. They tend to be circumstance-dependent though, so I don’t really think it’s an issue with my brain chemistry. Still, it’s something that I’ll look into down the line.
Now, I’m feeling pretty darn energized about my goals again. I’m sure a lot of that comes from the fact that there’s a girl I like and there’s mutual interest! Either way, things are looking up. Definitely gonna ride this momentum.
This goal started off as me looking for connection with my friends. I originally planned on making sure I did at least 2x/week with some friends.
Know what I love about this goal? Making plans with friends no longer feels like something I’m going out of my way to do, rather, just something that’s a part of me now. It might sound stupid to some, but those that know me are probably aware of my weird isolationist habits.
(For those that don’t, the story that I tell myself is that I grew up as an painfully shy, introverted computer geek who’s main friends were only online. And, I used to believe that people “in real life” didn’t want to be with me.)
So me going out of my way to hit up friends is just huge for me. Back when I did Basic and Advanced about a year ago, I knew improving my social life was something on my to-do list. But, at the time, I wasn’t committed to it at all. It felt like something that I’d work on “sometime”.
It feels like I’m now reaching the vision that I had for myself a year ago. I still have some trouble identifying as someone who has friends/loved ones/etc. in my life, but it’s getting there!
This is something that I’ve been slacking on the entire cycle. Up until Sunday, every time I was going to work on my web development skills, I kept finding excuses and excuses. This Sunday, I put a good amount of effort learning a good workflow. And I feel really excited to work on it again.
It really reminds me of something that (I believe) Orlando mentioned. Loosely paraphrased, oftentimes, you don’t get passionate and then do something. You get passionate as a result of doing it. It totally applies here!
I had a date tonight! And I think it went pretty well. I’ve been friends with this girl for about a year or so, but we only started really hanging out over the past few months. I’ve been crushing on her for a couple months, and I finally asked her out last week.
Honestly, I was really nervous today. And during the date, I was pretty damn anxious. But as we got into the zone over the course of the night, both of us started to relax and enjoy ourselves. We made plans to see each other again on Friday night (YES!), and I’m pretty excited about it. I’ve never actually been on a second date before, at least an “official” second date.
Even though she seemed to enjoy herself and she seemed to be excited about our Friday plans, I still have some conversations over how tonight went. Part of me is like, “you could’ve been more centered” or “you could’ve been more assertive” or “you could’ve been more relaxed”. And I think it’s true, at least for future dates.
One example is that, I really wanted to kiss her, but I didn’t. The way things happened tonight, it didn’t feel there was a “right” moment. So on one hand, people say, “there’s never a right moment, you just go for it”. But I genuinely felt like there was no appropriate moment; there was no moment of silence where we looked expectantly into each others’ eyes, waiting for something to happen. Or something similar to that effect.
I tell myself, “if I was more assertive, or if I set the mood right, or if I…”, then I could’ve created that “right” moment. But as I think about it now, I think my desire to kiss her stemmed from a scarcity mindset. That if I didn’t make a move, she’d get uninterested, move on, and think I wasn’t masculine enough. And if I kissed her and she reciprocated. I would’ve gotten validation that she “actually” likes me.
So part of me wants to beat myself up for not being on my A-game tonight. On the other hand, part of me says, “whichever way I showed up tonight is perfect for me in that moment”. If I could’ve been more centered, I would’ve. If I could’ve been more assertive, I would’ve. So rather than beat myself up, why not just use this experience to learn from and create better experiences in the future? Why not use “if I were more…” simply as a way to see possibilities, rather than a way to beat myself up?
In the end, it looked like she had a good time and she wants to see me again, so why worry?
I think a lot of that negative self-talk comes from a desire for explicit validation, because this shows up in a lot of areas in my life. If I do something and nobody tells me, “hey that was done well, great job”, I start questioning myself really hard:
- “Nobody is praising me, did I fuck up?”
- “Maybe there was some standard of excellency that I didn’t adhere to”
- “I could’ve done [x] and [y] much better, so why didn’t I?”
And, if I try to validate myself, I view it as tooting my own horn and deluding myself since I have no standards to refer to. But, isn’t beating myself up all the time just as delusional? Heh.
I think there’s value in questioning myself and always striving to improve and learn. But the thing that I have to work on is to simply surrender to the fact that I wasn’t born a grandmaster at every skill in the world. That as I learn and grow, I’m going to inevitably make mistakes, and that it’s okay to make mistakes.
All in all, I’m excited for Friday. 🙂