Uncomfortable

A theme that I have uncovered is that I am choosing to be financially comfortable at the cost of being emotionally uncomfortable.

As I was looking at why I have not just packed my things and moved out whether I am closing on new apartment or not. The thing that comes up for me is that I have chosen to be financially comfortable at the cost of being emotionally uncomfortable. This is part of what is stopping me.

Looking back I see this stems from my childhood. I remember when I was young that things were good financially and then my parents go divorced when I was 8yrs old. For the following year I lived with my Mother and for some reason we had no money although my Dad was sending child support. We lost our house that year and My Mom and her new boyfriend and I moved around 8 times during one school year. I remember eating mayonnaise sandwiches and liking them because we had no lunch meat at times.

Fast foward a year and I had enough of living with my mom and being poor so I moved in with my father and spent the rest of my childhood and teenage years with him. With him it was a stark contrast. My father always gave me a monetary incentives to make straight A’s in school. I would get cash for every “A” I made so I kept making them. He always spoiled me especially when we went school shopping each year. After high school he always told me  it was more important for me to be financially secure on my own or with someone than true love because I could always get any boyfriend I wanted. He used to joke and tell me they were “just a number”.

And then my Dad lost his job just as I was about to graduate high school and lost the house. He moved in with my sister. I moved in with a friend for a few months until I could work and save enough money to get my own place. I have been on my own since then.

Today I see this stark contrast of me either having it all or losing it and having nothing effecting me. I am paying a high emotional toll by me not moving out partially because I am scared of the financial consequences or being financially uncomfortable. I have told myself the story that I need to keep it like it is easy right now and have lied to myself about the impact this has had on me emotionally and how it keeps me stuck.

I recognize now that while I am trying to remain comfortable I am actually emotionally uncomfortable. I have been successful  many times on my own before putting myself through college etc. and I will again. I get to throw away the story I made up that things are going to suck on my own. I get to reclaim my confidence and step into the shoes of the amazing woman I know I am. I get to choose differently this cycle and create something new.

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2 thoughts on “Uncomfortable

  1. I want to commend you for your vulnerability, openness, emotional intelligence and thoughtfulness. Your drive and ability to look forward and change – while paying attention to the foundation for your world view – is nothing short of inspiring.

    If nothing else, you set a great tone for blog posts this cycle.

    -Eliane

    Like

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