Time to Face the Music

So yesterday, my blog submission date, I was mentally acknowledging myself during the day on the fact that I had successfully posted my blog each Thursday and without needing to do it at the last minute.  Shortly after my “mental acknowledgement” I stopped myself and told myself not to get too proud about it and to stay focused on the fact that I still needed to submit my entry for the day.  The old “self fulfilling prophecy” – don’t get too proud or else the universe will put you in your place.  Well, I am not sure if the universe was putting me in my place or what, but after laying down on the bed next to my baby’s crib to get her to go to sleep at 9:15 I awakened at 11:57 fully clothed.  I spun out into the main room in a momentary misguided thought of OWTFDWIT to spin something out quick and about 30 seconds later I submitted to the fact that it wasn’t going to happen and that I was going to be out of integrity.  My intention was not to fall asleep while putting the baby to sleep, but I did.  I acknowledge that I did not get my blog post in on time and that I did not keep my word to my deadline.  Moving forward I will make sure to tell Thomas about my deadlines so that he can support me if I have the same circumstances moving forward.

Another thing I want to acknowledge is that I have been fiercely judging myself for my response to Eliane’s post yesterday.  Having grown up the oldest, having been a teacher and then an HR professional and having a natural tendence to want to help, guide and teach.  My natural way of being is sometimes “motherly”, “nurturing”, “guiding” and although not intentional, probably bossy.  It probably comes across as “know it all” I am sure as well.  Back to my response to Eliane’s post, my intention was to be helpful and supportive….to remind her to be gentle with herself…..but I feel now like I perhaps came across as “teaching or preaching” and perhaps not really connecting to what she needed to hear or how she needed to be supported in the moment.  Thomas has criticized me as being “teacher-like” with him often….and when others have been like that with me, explaining something to me like I need to be explained to, I don’t like it.  So Eliane, I apologize if this is how I came across.  I will chat with you more on our buddy call.

As for my goals a dilemma that I have come across in the past when creating goals is whether to make goals very achievable, therefore easy to complete or to create stretch goals and risk not achieving them, but getting a lot farther than if I had chosen safer goals.  The conclusion I have come to is that when I am being evaluated on whether I achieve my goals I can play it safe.  If for example I am setting annual goals with a boss, then I need to make sure that what I put down is what I am prepared to deliver.  If I am creating personal goals for myself however, I want to push myself well past a point of comfort and create goals that are going to move me along as far as I can be moved even if I have guilt over not meeting what I said I was going to do for a given week.  How this reconciles with being my word for a given week or time frame is something else and I would welcome thoughts on this.  It isn’t being my word if I don’t achieve what I said I would achieve, but is playing it safe so that I can be my word the answer?  I still lean towards creating stretch goals and attempting to push myself as far as I can, but the not completing what I said I would complete doesn’t sit entirely well either.  Having said all of this, I am playing catch up with my goals and this is how I often feel given my strategy.

With regard to the jewelry design, I find that I do best when I have a decent amount of sleep and when our living space is more liveable (somewhat organized and somewhat clean).  My head is in a better space and I am more relaxed to be open to creating.  Thomas and I have been moving stuff out of the apartment into storage at his aunts (I have every imaginable piece of kitchen paraphernalia having worked on the side for Pottery Barn and Restoration Hardware years back), stuff that we won’t truly need immediately.  He has started to pick up and take the lead with some things too, which has been awesome.  We had a long talk about some issues and something shifted in him.  I am not sure exactly how it happened but I am glad that it did and I am hopeful that this new way of being is here to stay.  I have been sticking with the “get to sleep by 10 pm” program, which is hard because some nights the baby doesn’t finally sleep until 9:50 and all I want to do at that point is putz around with my own stuff/life.  I have been committed, however, and it has helped.  I think that is the name of the game for me really…..to be committed (my word) and then to have the momentum to get whatever task is at hand started.  Get the thing “rocking” so that it can begin to roll.

So, in summation, I am off on my goals with the business but I am plugging along and playing catch up and remaining committed.  Eliane and I have been creating weekly goals on our calls together and holding each other accountable which has been great.  As for things with Thomas, I have stepped back a bit and given him the space to take the lead and it has happened in some small ways.  I get to do more here.  I am still on target to get the business off the ground in 2015 and will make good on this one way or another.

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