My baby

The end of our cycle is coming to an end. I have made progress towards my goals. I have not met my overall goals or met my by when’s. This is feedback for me to look at. I am committed to not judging myself but also looking at why is it ok for me not be urgent.

I had a discovery yesterday which is that my goals on paper do not line up with my feelings. What does this mean? It explains the conflict and high emotions and struggles I keep having with my intertwined business, personal and work life.

On paper my vision and goals are to create a fitness travel show, create a fitness trip and compete in tennis tournaments around the world combining my passion for travel and fitness into one.  My goal pre LP was to not have to work and to spend half of my time in NY and half my time in TX taking care of my Dad and have the flexibility to do the above. I have the time now why is that not enough? Why do I at times want to throw this away?

Why do my actions show me wanting to throw myself back into running my gym?  When you ask me what do I want? I have never said to run my gym.  Yet, I find myself not liking being in the dark or not knowing what is going on with my gym. Why can’t I let go? Letting go or not knowing or moving on makes me feel like some sort of failure.

The reason why is because its my baby.  All of my challenges and emotions come from me feeling like I am in a relationship with my baby; my only child.  I just can’t leave it alone or stop protecting it. Why do I need to be in control? Well because it is my child. Duh!

This realization has shed some light on my complex emotions and me fighting or pushing down the urge to know. I have freedom. Can I have this freedom without worrying though?

Are those my true goals? Will I be fufilled with what I asked ? Can I let go and not know or ask anything and show up a year later and everything is successful. That was the question I was asked.  And my answer was,  “well yes,….so long as I knew what was going on.”

Why does my gym define me more than just a paycheck? Is it because I started it as a hobby and built it to what it is now a successful business? Is it because it is my only source of income so I am scared to lose it? Is it because so many of my relationships have come out of my gym? Is it because I can’t seperate it from my personal life? People come to my gym to get away from work to relieve stress, to have fun to be social.

When I try to create rules or boundaries like not letting the two cross it seems unworkable or impossible. Many of my close friends either became members at my gym or work for me. Also, working in small business I created personal relationships that felt as close as family at times and hurt even more when lost.

Should I start an impersonal business where there is no face? Then I could be disconnected easily.  But I love connections, I love community, why do you think I love LP and this group.

Awareness and curiosity is the first place to start to understand my actions and make change. I have discovered a part of the puzzle that makes up how and why I do what to do.

Time to take this piece and rework the puzzle to fit.


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