Contribution – Day 2

I’m going to write these a day behind, so this is about yesterday.

#1, to Heather, which didn’t work, so to a stranger.

Heather is a Flight Club person who posted in our Facebook group about how she’s been feeling lost, but she came up with an idea to support professionals find “balance” in their lives. She asked for support to gain clarity around her idea. Enter: me, ready to support (only, not).

I have resistance to Heather. She strikes me as righteous, and judgmental. I feel like she made an effort to talk to me at the first intensive not to get to know me, but to assess me. I’m aware of this, though, so I figured I could still support her.

Well, instead of encouraging her, I essentially poked holes in the idea. I told her the ways in which I felt it was too vague, and pointed out how she had contradicted herself. My intention (I think) was to support her in getting clear on her idea — get more specific, take the inconsistencies out. It didn’t go across that way, as she righteously defended her idea and even took a job or two at me to make my feedback “wrong.” I at first blamed Heather. The woman is clearly impossible, and not open to feedback or support at all. I then reminded myself my come-from is supposed to be contribution, but I had gotten very far from that indeed.

In the end, I wasn’t really listening to what Heather actually needed. It wasn’t so much someone troubleshooting her idea — it was more encouragement and validation. She said in her post she’s been absent from FC because she’s felt out of place. Who knows more about that than me? So what would I want in this situation? Certainly not to have my idea attacked.

I then felt very down on myself. Turns out I’m a dick, you know?

Lesson 4 – make sure you’re monitoring your intention when you give constructive feedback. Make sure, too, you’re thinking about what the person you’re addressing actually needs. Heather is smart and doesn’t need help with her idea — she needed support with her mindset.

So later I chased down a woman on the street who had dropped her scarf. At first I thought someone else would see it and pick it up–then I reminded myself I am “someone else.” I didn’t really feel better though; I suppose I’ve got to clear things with Heather.

#2, to Jimmy. I kissed him when I got home. It means more than you think; we’re both affectionate and want that in our relationship, but I rarely initiate it. At least not kissing, I may initiate hugging or cuddling. I had to deal with myself and my attachment to how he would react.

Lesson 5 – don’t be attached to the results. He reacted lovingly, but normally, as much as I made up in my head how “out of the ordinary” it would feel for me to initiate.

#3, to myself. I got my work done on time (30 minutes to spare) so I could make my guitar class on time.

Lesson 6 – Rewarding yourself feels so much better (like a real reward) when you’re in integrity on your other tasks.

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One thought on “Contribution – Day 2

  1. 1. I love how your contributions lead to direct lessons. Great way to see takeaways from being in contribution to keep up the being=doing ties
    2. So much empathy with the Heather situation. I have a horribly horrendous habit of mirroring other people…so when they show up as genuine, loving, etc, so do I…and when they show up as judgmental asshats, so do I. Two key questions/points for me, however, include the fact that I’m removing my choice from this…if all I do is mirror others, where is the me to stand fast or help them shift out of a bad mood? Also, as you said, though, the determination that someone else is judgmental IS judgmental in and of itself, and perhaps unintended by the other person.
    So while this may work out nicely when I meet with people I like, when it comes to people I resist, all it does is have me behave like someone they’re likely to call a jerk and dismiss.
    Thanks for writing, because I get to take this on too.
    Separately, nice way to take on another contribution are honestly recognizing that what happened with Heather fell flat.
    3. Kissing your husband? OMG, what kind of woman are you? Heaven forfend this type of activity taint our society!!
    You know what’s weird? I sorta hear your hesitation because when I read something about people engaging in intimate activity I totally skim it much faster than the way I typically read other parts. So strange – will have to look at!
    Meantime, go to – it’s hard to find something more important for newlyweds than creating and incubating intimacy in your marriage.

    Like

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