#1 – to no one. I know, right? I really wanted to focus on Jimmy and I with all the stress around his mom’s surgery. But, that doesn’t mean I couldn’t have called my dad, or sent someone a message, or done something to contribute to someone. I know I need to watch this habit of cocooning in my relationship and forgetting about the rest of the world.
#2, to Jimmy. Well, see above, he was my FOCUS for the day. Which probably put too much pressure on him and us. We got a Christmas tree. We watched football. Well, he did. I practiced guitar, because I agreed with Jill to a holiday busking stretch that I have yet to complete. If I had, maybe I could’ve checked off #1 above (as Jill raised the holiday busking as being a contribution to the people on the street–to even think of it that way would alone be a breakthrough for me). We watched a movie or two. I felt a little lost (again) as to how to best serve him. He wasn’t ready yet to shift to thinking about Flight Club, or the future, or anything really. He still needed emotional and physical rest. That night lying in bed, he couldn’t fall asleep. He asked me if he could talk through something with me. I said, ‘of course.’ He was having a lot of emotions and unsettled thoughts come up about his mom’s surgery, and the fears he had experienced leading up to it. Out of respect for his privacy (I do have SOME of that), I won’t share in detail what his concerns were, but I did my best to talk through it all with him. After we talked, he felt better and went to sleep.
All day he had been my FOCUS, and yet, had I really been listening to what he needed? I honestly feel like I was too preoccupied with what I needed, which was to reconnect to him. Yet, ironically, the pathway there was through focusing on him and his needs and not mine.
#3, to me! Well, I practiced guitar and holiday songs. I guess that’s a contribution to me. I can’t say parts of it weren’t aggravating, though. The reason I didn’t follow through with the stretch was that I just hadn’t memorized the songs yet. Jimmy suggested I have my phone there so I could read the chords, but, what kind of crap ‘contribution’ is that? I don’t need it perfect, but I need to be somewhat organized and capable else there’s little value to sharing it with other people. So, parts of it were aggravating because I was forced to come up against how SLOW I am when it comes to music. I am still a ‘beginner.’ Kylas HATE being beginners. They MUCH PREFER being in the ‘advanced’ category. But, you know, only one way to get there.