#1, to my dad. Still working on getting him set up to try that innovative vision device. It’s funny because one of the things I’m experiencing with contribution is the follow-through. The initial action isn’t so difficult; make a phone call, send an email. But then you’ve got to see it through, and that’s when you really start to get tested. Because the more energy and effort something takes, the more your brain starts churning out reasons to put it on the back burner.
#2, to Jimmy. Well, this is bad. I sort of don’t remember. I was in a major funk yesterday. I felt like I had gotten attacked by negative energy; my head was killing me, and it was swimming with negative thoughts. I got hit with a bad afternoon headache for the second day in a row. I have it again today, but it’s fainter. Probably linked to some changes in supplements and being extra-rigorous with the gym this week. I went to guitar, so I got home late. We talked a bit about our days. I’d say this was a fail; I made a point to contribute to my dad yesterday, but with Jimmy, I just sort of relied on him to be there as a constant because I was not doing well yesterday. My contribution today is going to counseling. On Long Island. An hour and change away. But, I’m super excited about it! [Not for the first time, I’m thinking about how they need to make a sarcasm font.]
#3, I went to guitar despite (surprise!) not wanting to go. I’m always glad I went when I get there, and I enjoy the instructor. But I have resistance around it — frustration about not being where I want to be in terms of skill level, odd feelings of competition with the others in the class (especially the men), and general discomfort around learning in a group setting.
Actually, my comment about being competitive with the men reminds me of something. I got an email today from a guy I’ve been corresponding with since the summer. I’ve never met him, but he was in a band that was being coached by my guitar school. He was looking for a replacement vocalist for them since both he and their regular vocalist were leaving the band, so I sent him videos and said I was interested. He liked me, he recommended me to them, I auditioned for them, and it went really well in that they liked my voice the best. But, my voice wasn’t a great fit for their songs and I wasn’t at all into the songs they were doing. In the end, it didn’t work out. Joe got in touch with me again, though, for various other opportunities over the summer, and then he proposed that I join his blues band in the fall, as he really liked my voice/style. I said, sure, I’d love to! We agreed to reconnect at the end of the summer when we both would be back in town. The end of the summer rolled around, he emailed me and asked if I was still interested, and I said, I am! I just got back from my honeymoon, but I’m ready to go!
And then? Crickets.
SO – during our earlier correspondence, when I first sent him my videos, Joe had commented on how he thought I was “attractive” and that was an “added bonus” for a lead vocalist (or something along those lines). It was an offhand comment, but, my alarm bells went off. Is this dude just hoping to get in my pants, and that’s why he’s being dedicated about corresponding with me and giving me different opportunities? So when he fell silent after I told him I had just gotten back from my honeymoon, my negative interpretation was confirmed (in my mind) — he suddenly wasn’t so interested in having me be in any kind of band with him anymore. What a CAD. I then told Jimmy about it, and I was pretty upset when I did. Like, why do I have to deal with this? Being a woman is SO aggravating because MEN are the WORST. Jimmy just kind of gave me a blank look in return; he knew better than to step into that mine field.
WELL turns out “Joe” emailed me again – today. He said he’s starting a new band in the winter through a program with the “School of Rock” in Brooklyn. He again said he really liked my voice/style, and wanted me as the vocalist for the band. He asked if I was interested. I said yes, I was.
Now, I can’t tell you if Joe will follow through and if we’ll go forward with this band thing or not (again, I’ve never met him, who knows), but, as you can tell — my made-up meaning was wrong. Like, way off. Joe just is caught up in his life and he didn’t end up doing a band in the fall at all and that’s why he “dropped the ball” with me. It wasn’t because he wanted to get in my pants and then threw me to the curb when he realized I was married.
I don’t know what the point of telling this story is, except to say, I could maybe exercise my Trust muscle a little more.