I just listed to an AMAZING podcast (thanks again to Kyla for turning me onto the Lovumentary) which was specifically about couples, but can be applied to allllll of the relationships in our lives. http://loveumentary.com/episode-77-with-laura-heck/ check it out!
I also had a buddy call with Hadar this morning, and while I had some resistance (and I feel like he often experiences me as grungy) I really felt heard and supported, and it was like he was asking me the questions as I was shaping the answers internally (my interpretation is that a. He is really good at coaching and b. I am training myself to do the work, even when I am benefitting from playing the victim and being “right”. The difference now is that I don’t ENJOY that place like I used to, and I start seeking out the alternate ways of seeing the situation and ways of being. I look for the shift. Sometimes it just doesn’t happen at the pace I would like. And I am also hitting a wall. It’s time to dig much, much deeper.
I know I have been sharing nebulously, so here’s what’s going on; I’m really struggling in my relationship with my dad. And I have been really judgemental. I find him emotionally stunted and selfish. I hate listening to his endless stories that are irrelevant to whatever conversation everyone else in the room is having. He is a rage-aholic and I am really struggling to be around him. When I am experiencing him and interpreting him through this lens, I get to keep him at an emotional distance, I make him wrong so I can be right, I play the victim and feel sorry for myself which feels so much more satisfying than feeling rejected by my father or risking vulnerability.
The impact here is that I want to avoid my family, especially my dad. My family then feels unimportant or upset that I am not present. We all feel dissatisfied. I spent a lot of time on the phone this holiday perusing facebook, pinterest, etc. Or watching tv, which was a sad pathetic waste of life and moments I cannot get back. Uuuugggghhhhh. Because I was avoiding life, I had breakdowns in other areas (I was dog-sitting and messed up the schedule=super out of integrity/sad doggies). I have been trying to control the behavior of others, believing it would make me happier if my dad/sister/mom/brothers behaved differently or spent their time differently. The truth is that I am the only source of my own joy, and when I am in integrity with myself, that light cannot be dimmed by the behavior of others.
I recognize that I use my beliefs about my parents and their relationship as an impetus to avoid connecting in romantic relationships. I had to think really hard in order to say that powerfully and from a place of responsibility. I am responsible for the success of my own relationships. I get to have a loving, joyful, satisfying, passionate, mutually beneficially relationship with a love – life partner. I could cry right now. So this is my commitment to myself and this community: I will find a therapist and have an appointment with that person before my birthday (February 2nd). I know I am at a place now in my personal growth that requires me to work on a deeper level on the underlying beliefs and assumptions which keep me from the life I want. There is a definite possibility that I will continue to do that work kicking and screaming and walking backwards, which is why I keep you all around to call me on my bullshit. Thanks team!