The Beginning and the End

How fortuitous that our cycle is ending just as the new year begins!  What an excellent opportunity to reflect and process what went well, what didn’t, what we created, what we can do differently next cycle to get different results, and what works for us.  I know personally, I need a designated Buddy call each week with a set time, otherwise they don’t happen.  I also think that it might be interesting to try having a “Captain” for each week, specifically for setting intention, grounding, and building/maintaining energy.

Moving on to family: I really learned a lot about myself and how I interact with my family this week when my cousin and her husband were staying with us. For example, I often offer my dad an “empty” invite- I tell him what I’m doing and ask off-handed if he wants to come, not wanting or expecting him to actually come.  Then I’ll ask if he needs or wants anything. In this particular instance, We were all going to Starbucks for coffee and to hang out for a bit.  My mom was meeting us there, Chelsea was coming, it was the whole family (other than the little kids, and I am noticing in this moment that I treat the same way as I do my dad….Which I clearly get to look at).   So thats what happened this time; I said, “dad, we’re going to Starbucks…….. Want to come?” and he said, “nah thanks, I have stuff to do around here”.  And I said, “ok, want us to bring you anything?” and he replied, “nope”.  And then my cousin’s husband said, “Marty, you should come, you can do that stuff when we’re not here. We want you to come spend time with us”.  And then my dad got EXCITED TO GO HANG OUT AT STARBUCKS. wtf.   Because he was enrolled. I can start to see the blinders I’m wearing in my life with certain people. The next day at brunch, my dad started to tell a story and began like this, “So at the gym I go to there is this German woman”, and I said under my breath, but clearly audibly, “oh here we go”.  2 things – 1. I assumed he was going to tell a story I would not approve of. 2. My discrediting him in that way shows clear disrespect.  It also affects the other people listening to his story.  Also, he is who he is, and if I could move out of judgement, all of my relationships would drastically improve.  On a third occasion my cousin was sharing a story about driving and having an angry altercation with a biker who was not obeying the rules of the road.  My cousin recounted them cursing at each other, and I didn’t think anything of it.  But my dad followed with his own story, which did not include recounting the cursing, rather he said, “I won’t tell you what I said to him”, and I, of course, said, “Daaaaaaaaadd”, the way only an annoyed 12 year old can.  So why does my cousin get away with it, but my dad doesn’t?  Because I don’t think that she is her actions or the things she says.  I know she is a complex, complicated, and overall really good person.  But I believe that my father is his actions and words, that he is a simple human, and honestly, I often don’t think of him as a good person.  That makes me sad, and I’m working on it.  I get that its more about me and my perceptions than it is about him.

One more thing that my cousin did that blew my mind- my brothers spent all holiday break on video games, and my family in general demonizes playing video games.  the boys didn’t want to spend time with us, and while we asked them a lot to hang out, and brought them up into the light (from the basement, where they’re games live), it never lasted long.  The last night by cousin was in town, he went into the basement and spent about 2 hours learning about the game world that Frankie created, and then told all of us how cool it was at brunch the next day.  This is pretty much exactly the opposite of what everyone else in the family does in regards to the boys interest.  Which sucks.  And it gets to change. I had never even considered asking them questions, nor do I know what questions to ask, but I get to figure it out.

Overall, a really wonderful family visit, and an opportunity for lots of perspective and growth.

I joined OKCupid, and in true Emileah fashion, didn’t download the app because it seemed like too much commitment.  I noticed, laughed at myself, and have a date on Monday. With a guy who texts me every 20 minutes.  Taking a page our of Kyla’s book and letting it be ok that he likes me more thus far.

I dyed my hair.  This is a big deal because I believed a story that if I dyed my hair I was not a “Natural” person, a “natural” beauty, and that I was being deceitful about my appearance. I believed I could not maintain hair color because I was not a “hair person” and that dying hair was high maintenance.  And then I thought it could be fun… and I did it on a whim. Because I’m becoming less rigid and more open to appearance changes; as my inner world changes, so does the outer world.  And its awesome!  And fun, and playful.  I have purple/red hair, and I’m not fooling anyone about my appearance. And I am a natural beauty when joy is lighting up my face.  And I feel beautiful and empowered!

My sister, mom, cousin and I all bought 2016 monthly planners and wrote each other notes on random days. This year I get to read love notes randomly alllll the time. How lovely, right?!  I noticed that I made “rules” for myself about where I posted and how often and what I wrote, and then I noticed, started writing from the heart, and wondered where else in life I am creating rules that might keep me from authenticity or power.  WE GET TO MAKE OUR OWN RULES.  And then we get to rewrite them as often as we want.

WORK NERD is on High Alert; I am doubting my abilities, fearing I will be reprimanded, Questioning my intelligence, neglecting my duties to avoid my fear… really that means I’m sneaking wordpress posting and facebook stalking (which is out of integrity and has me looking over my back) while getting my work done well and in a timely manner.  Still Not cool, nerd. Not cool.   And the truth is that I am doing fine.  We’re all just figuring it out.  I’m scared because I feel Like my position isn’t secure.  But I’ve been told there is a place for me (even though I don’t have a permanent contract… apparently thats how they role here.  So I get to have faith, work hard and be brilliant, and keep my eyes open and on the prize.

Thanks for letting me share one last post for the cycle!


One thought on “The Beginning and the End

  1. Re: buddy calls – I get to look at my role in scheduling buddy calls as well. In some cycles I was on top of it and scheduled the entire session’s calls up front. Other times it’s been done on the fly, which has generally proven less successful. My resistance? I tend to get distracted by the things around me when I’m on an extended call, which diminishes my power, concentration, linear thinking, and focus on my buddy. Being outdoors or in an area with fewer distractions supports me, but I also get to focus up on my buddy.

    Re: captain – I like this idea…thumbs up

    Family: Resonating in how I treat my mom (and occasionally my dad too, though that’s usually when we’re debating/arguing). Whether she’s actually mentally healthy and stable, which at this point few in my family believe, or she isn’t, she still deserves to be treated with respect. Yes, that may be challenging from time to time, but that’s a challenge I get to figure out.

    So, how can we support each other in this? It wasn’t something we got into this last cycle, but something we can look at for the next one…

    Re: appearances, rock it out girl! I love going a touch blond on vacay.

    Try things on, see what feels right and what doesn’t. It’s ok that you didn’t feel comfortable dyeing your hair before just as its ok that you’re doing it now..and if you don’t like it, change it up again! Overcome your genetics!!

    But, more to the point, how do you fee when your hair is purple/red?
    How different does it feel from your natural state – can you use it to allow yourself to shift something in relationship to your dating life?
    “Old Em wouldn’t do X, but PurpleRed Em does X and loves it!”


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