Something easier

It’s been another rough week.

I’m feeling better now but I found out on Monday that I did not pass my final video evaluation in my yoga therapy training. It’s not the end of the world, it just means there’s more to work on and I will need to submit another video before I am a certified practitioner but it definitely hit me hard around my “not good enough” stuff.

The mentor who reviewed it felt like there was a disconnect between me and my client, that I stuck with the structure rather than following the client.  I knew this was not my best work and know I have a tendency to stick to the “formula” because it feels safe. I also know that if I don’t feel safe to be in my much, neither will my clients.

I know this is a growth opportunity and all part of my journey, but I definitely spent Monday and Tuesday feeling shitty and thinking about quitting and doing “something easier.” This is my go to thought whenever things feel hard.  It brings up the fact that a major part of my struggle as a therapist has been and continues to be that I am trying to prove my worth by being “good.” As early as I can remember, I believed it was important to be good at things in order to be worthy.  I know that my growth lies in letting go of the idea that my worth is provable and embracing that I am inherently worthy, always good and enough no matter how I perform. But there is a huge gap between knowing this intellectually and feeling it. Open to any and all thoughts on how to bridge this gap.

Also, I signed up for Gary’s boot camp that starts next week and am kind of freaking out about it.  I know he’s going to challenge me to do a ton of stuff I’m resistant to. But if I want my business to succeed, I know I’m going to have to stretch. That said, the work I’m doing already feels like a stretch much of the time.

In the success column, I created a short video explaining what I do and uploaded it to my website and have chosen an initial target group for my practice: teenage girls. Check and check. I also posted in a couple of FB groups that I am trying to fill my last few training sessions and offered free sessions in exchange for being videotaped and got 12 responses! I have already scheduled 4 of them for the next few weeks so I am on schedule to complete the training on time.

With respect to my self-care goals, I’ve been consistent.  I am 100% re meditating daily and saying my affirmation every morning and journaling at least 4 times/wk.  But exercise is always the first thing to go when I’m feeling bad.  I worked out yesterday and today, so if I exercise tomorrow and Sat, I can make it to 4/4 for the week.  I am committed to exercising on Monday next week so I can start the week of feeling strong and empowered.

 

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4 thoughts on “Something easier

  1. Sorry to hear that the video didn’t go as you’d hoped…perhaps a good time to channel some Alfred?

    (you’re welcome, cubby).

    What’s great to notice is how it made you feel – if it were day 1 and you failed, you’d say “well, duh, I don’t know enough, Inhsbent practiced enough…” And so the fact that you felt crappy afterward points to how much you have already grasped of this world and practice, and you got feedback on the specific way that can shift in terms of being client-centric.

    Well, great to have feedback, as V reminded us with the Alexi video: feedback is your friend. What you heard will only make you strong and a great practitioner.

    Sorry you aren’t there yet, but you’re | | this close!!! Plus you’ve made progress elsewhere, including identifying teenage girls as a terrific target market = sweet, great job!

    The part that I thought was the juiciest was this line “I believed it was important to be good at things in order to be worthy.”

    Funny how we conflate those two things, isn’t it? They’re not the same, but in many respects we use them interchangeably.

    What would it mean to you to allow yourself that freedom to feel worthy even if you’re not ‘good’ at something…like how are you at lawn darts or synchronized swimming? Why are you ok not judging yourself on that?
    What if you were to allow yourself the same freedom on other ‘things?’

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  2. “I believed it was important to be good at things in order to be worthy”

    That was a belief of mine too, and I still struggle with it in other manifestations- what comes up for me now around money is that I have to contribute equally or I’m a drain… we just keep plugging away and loving ourselves unconditionally and allow the abundance of all things (money, love, mint chocolate chip ice cream) to flow to us. As you say, we are intrinsically worthy, now we get to kow it intellectually and feel it thoroughly.

    What I found helpful this week with feedback was to make it neutral-not about me being good or “bad”, but trying a different way. It sounds like the next video you make will be more natural, intuitive, and client-centered (and what a gift to your client when you are free of the script in order to give them what they need).

    I love that you reached out on social media and found students, and that you have a target client base now. It sounds like you are creating some healthy momentum. Also, I love that you are taking Gary’s class and mentally preparing to be stretched – choose the discomfort and surrender to the resistance- you’ll move through it.

    Also, how about sharing a link to your website so we can check it out???

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  3. Wow, so much. I feel for you about the disappointment with your final evaluation. I know you’re ready to get moving and that this furthers the conversations in your head. Is there a time that you remember when you felt more natural, when you didn’t stick to the formula and when it was powerful for your client? When you saw your impact and worth? Time to start collecting that evidence and it will show up in your marketing too. In the meantime, love that you’re doing Gary’s boot camp – it will kick your butt in a great way!

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