the little engine that DID

part deux

 so (happily) overwhelmed by the questions posed to me from last week… and slightly fearful to answer because i think i know the answer to every question, and answering the questions means i get to address them. and that scares me. like what supercubby said, the fear of success may be greater than the fear of failure.

a very self-worthiness conversation. i think i can’t have it all. i don’t deserve it. or if i do get it all, i’ll lose it. maybe because i’ve lost it in the past, thinking you’re all good and everything changes like that (snap!). i’m committed to changing my way of thinking. i wanna figure out some goals around that…

 that being said, i did have an awesome day, that not only supported my goals, but also exposed to me (again) how much of an influence my way of being and my energy can impact my life. i took this workshop on neuroscience for clinicians today. ahhh fuckin loooooooooooooove that shit! that was my favourite class in grad school so getting the chance to revisit it was so great.

the presenters spoke about meditation as well, and mindfulness. the awareness of your way of being and being present to your state of mind or feelings you are going through gives you the opportunity to channel your power… think of a positive experience- everything about that experience, the way you felt, smells, visuals, touch, sounds, sensations- when you’re dealing with shit, and that positive mindset can get you from i think i can, to, i did it!

 but the most powerful thing from today, was during an ideomotor exercise. while holding a piece of string, with a block tied at the bottom, between my thumb and index finger, we were told to close our eyes and imagine the block swinging on the string forward and back, and without ANY movement, it began to go. then side to side… same fuckin thing. i was bloooooooooown away!

 i’ve been thinking so much about the placebo effect, and how your mind is such a powerful thing if you only believe in yourself. it’s amazing the influences your belief system can have on every area of your life. the presenters today also spoke about patients that had been sick and were started on placebo medication that was “a super cure” and because the person believed it, they began to get better. another patient, as soon as he heard about a study discrediting his medication, what was working for him, began to show adverse effects.

i’m so… just… speechless about it! hahaha

 because to me, really taking in that information is a fucking mind fuck. like trying to imagine how big the universe is… just incomputable

 so i’ve challenged myself to change my way of thinking to,  i can do it.

 stats wise… i’m a little behind. have been doing my journaling inconsistently. i have compiled a ‘get to do’ list. crossed a couple things off today. meditation has been nonexistent. but i’m going to go into it with an “i can do this” attitude going forward.  



4 thoughts on “the little engine that DID

  1. a very self-worthiness conversation. i think i can’t have it all. i don’t deserve it. or if i do get it all, i’ll lose it. maybe because i’ve lost it in the past, thinking you’re all good and everything changes like that (snap!). i’m committed to changing my way of thinking. i wanna figure out some goals around that…

    OMG, this flared up for me SO BAD as my wedding approached. I don’t deserve it, which caused me to live in constant fear of losing it. Because, of course I’d lose it. The world doesn’t let people like me be happy. I’ve made some shifts here, but, I’d say I still struggle with it a little bit. Kind of like, who are YOU to be happy? You aren’t even that GOOD of a person, and other people deserve it much more than YOU.

    But, to focus on what’s WORKED for me, first, recognizing that embracing the GOOD that was happening to me was a RISK. That meant it TOOK something. It wasn’t going to happen “naturally” for me. I had to actually stop, look, and choose to risk — and again, the risk was simply embracing the good thing. My wedding. My honeymoon. It was hard, honestly. Unnerving. But, every time I started wanting to wait for the other shoe to drop, I told my self NO! STOP, look, choose different.

    So, that’s the choice part. The other part is the self-worth part. This is a HARD thing to figure out. You can choose to come from “worthy” instead of “unworthy,” and just keep choosing “worthy” even when you don’t feel like it. But, I think in the end, some work I did with this woman named Belanie filled in some gaps. She says that before we turn 7 years old, we’re instilled with “core beliefs,” or “core filters,” that decide how we see ourselves and the world. Similar to the work, right? But for Belanie, there is NO WAY to get rid of these beliefs. You can’t “choose differently.” Intellectually you can know that’s what you should do, but, you won’t be able to successfully do it.

    So what, then, do you do? Belanie says you’ve got to be WILLING to BE whatever belief it is. So, we did the workshop with Belanie two weeks before our wedding, in Atlanta. The first “core filter” I discovered was: I’m a bad person. I don’t deserve to be happy. That’s a belief I made up about myself based on SOMETHING that happened to me before I was seven years old. Could’ve been a random comment from my parents, could’ve been anything. Something happened, and I made it mean: “I am a bad person.”

    What happens with a core filter is that you spend your life trying to prove that you’re NOT whatever it is. So, I spent my life trying to prove I wasn’t “bad.” I deferred a lot to people I was in relationship with. Be “easy going.” Don’t ruffle feathers. And standing out was BAD for me, too, because in my family my sister was supposed to be the star. I couldn’t stand out. I had also basically made it wrong, or bad, for me to be happy. That’s not right — you’ll make other people feel bad if you’re happier than them.

    So Belanie worked with me until I was “willing” to be bad. She had me go around the room to each person and say: “My name is Kyla, and what I want you to know about me is, I’m a bad person.” When I got to Jimmy, it was HARD. We were both BAWLING. At the end, she had me say to the room: “My name is Kyla, and what I want you to know about me is, I’m a bad person — because I said so.”

    Because that’s the thing, I’m not a bad person, but, I BELIEVE that I am, and according to Belanie, I can NEVER rid myself of that belief. It’d be like trying to rid myself of my nose. It’s part of my wiring, and it’s permanent. So, the only option left is to ACCEPT it, and be willing to be “bad.” As soon as I’m willing, it loses its power over me.

    I couldn’t say if this theory is true or not, but, my wedding and honeymoon are literally among the best moments of my life — because I opened myself wide and just received. I worked for that! I deserved it. And if it was BAD to accept those gifts, and be happy about them, and even flaunt them, well, it felt GOOD to be BAD, and I was willing to be it.

    SO my suggestion is: try on being “willing” to be the thing you are resisting about yourself, i.e., the REASON you believe you are not enough, or not worthy, undeserving, or whatever it is. How do you figure that out? Ask yourself this question: what kind of person doesn’t deserve happiness and fulfillment? What kind of person doesn’t deserve an amazing life? For me, the answer was “a bad person.” For you, it could be any number of things — just try different words and listen for the one that really hits you, that makes you think: I DO NOT want to be that under any circumstances, and I REFUSE to admit that that’s who I am. That’s when you’ve found a “core filter,” and to be free of it, you must authentically be WILLING to be it (again, this is Belanie’s theory, I can’t say if it works or if it’s true, but something to try on).

    Liked by 1 person

  2. ❤️❤️❤️
    What’s going on here!
    Yes! Our thoughts are super powerful, and finding a path to owning them serves us in life.
    Whether it’s the Kyla/Belanie model or something else that works for you, it’s worth it!
    Let us know how we can support you?

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Wow.

    thank you. There is so much in your post that I feel like I just experienced that training with you!

    You are *POWERFUL* and *WORTHY*, and I wonder if there is anything you can put in place in your life to remember that feeling of being powerful and worthy after this training is no longer in the forefront of your mind. It sounds like for you, meditation helps to instill this. I am wondering if you feel resistance to meditation or if you experience not having enough time to meditate, etc.

    Lets look at the “get to do” list. You talk about imaging a joyful experience when you’re under stress, in order to change your current way of being and experience yourself powerfully/positively impact the situation, but when you talk about the little engine that did, I wonder if you can imagine how it feels having done the things on that list. From that place of imaging they are done, how does it feel? What impact does it have on your life? Which of those were truly helpful and important and relevant and which ones can you cross out with a flourish cause you have more important things to do? Maybe none of them, but the practice should help clarify.


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