week 3

First I need to acknowledge my lack of post last Sunday.  I completely forgot and on Monday Scott mentioned it and it kept getting pushed everyday.  My mentality about all of this post-Hugs has shifted big time.  I’m actively doing most of what I need to but I’m doing it because I feel I have to since I committed to it, not because I want to.  I’m not clear how to shift out of this state.  And I have not reached out to anyone for support.  Pretty much my m.o.

Updates on everything. My friend is back in the states and texts have been exchanged but it has been difficult to get him on the phone due to his work schedule. We’ve rescheduled twice. I’m committed to reaching out again tomorrow for a good time to chat.  This is in regards to baby.

The make-up classes I’m taking at Sephora are going well and are basically every Thursday and Sunday this month.  While scheduling in person, I saw someone I knew and we’re working out an arrangement where I will allow him to body paint me when ever he wants and he will support me in beauty techniques.

I start at the gym on Tuesday and can finally start lifting something heavier than my 30lb kettlebell and I am very excited about this.  I think it is going to be exactly what I need to support me emotionally.

My friend Howard has committed to supporting me with real estate classes and general nyc knowledge (ie- who to avoid, being an assistant initially, etc).  He also has the added knowledge of a couple other markets which can help with a move.  I’m still thinking Florida.

I am finding that I was all ready to take all of this on because I was very clear that Hugs would be around getting his injections every day so this would all be very easy. Now he is not here, I am sad AF and now want to go into escape mode which obviously feeds into me feeling like I HAVE to do this instead of wanting to.  All of these things benefit me long-term but my brain just isn’t in that place right now.  Again, not sure how to shift out of it.  Maybe a week straight of gym time will clear this block for me, I really don’t want to continue from a have-to way of being. I’m basically choosing to do the bare minimum and have distracted myself with lots of socializing. I’m also finding I’d rather assist others than do for myself. This is another re-occurring theme in my life.



One thought on “week 3

  1. I sense a lot of beat up here despite the actions you are taking and the sadness you still carry from Hugs.

    I feel like you could actual be easier on yourself, and allow yourself to mourn as you need to.

    When you’re in a genuinely sad place from a loss it is inauthentic to pretend otherwise, and it is fair to feel that there are Have Tos.

    If you allowed this feeing to drag on indefinitely, I might question that, but for now, I see it as healthy.

    Instead, I’ll ask – in what ways do you feel you’ve held yourself back from what you want to accomplish in life over the last 2 weeks?

    If there isn’t much to the list, can you be ok with that?

    If, on the other hand, you’re concerned about the depth of the morose feelings, perhaps you can research or create something that feels authentic to you as a way to say goodbye and create a path to healing.

    That way, you honor Hugs and your relationship, and craft a way to start shifting to a different place from a genuine and heartfelt place of strength.



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