After psyching myself up for my meeting with Irena, opening my heart and summoning all my courage and clarity for a positive outcome, I found myself in hostile waters. Why was she so committed to being closed, angry and nasty while I was being empathetic, compassionate and committed to peace? I was not expecting an immediate change in her behavior but merely an opening for a new possibility. After a year of suffering for all parties involved, Irena, Jeff, Arden and myself, I thought that an initiative toward positive change would have to create a positive response, but this was not my experience.
One can never really tell what the universe has in store for us. We can be focused on one thing and something from another direction will seemingly “broadside” us. We will think it came out of nowhere, but that will not be the truth. Nothing comes from nowhere. It’s just that we weren’t focused on that thing and/or have no idea of the origin.
So after leaving my meeting with Irena I was eager to return home to safe haven where I could coddle myself and acknowledge my effort. I was almost out of “Dodge,” half way over the bridge, both literally and figuratively, when the storm really hit. Traffic stopped. “Hmmm…” I thought. “I wonder what the holdup could be?” 5 minutes went by, then 10. Ok, this was not normal. It started to rain hard and the wind picked up causing the bridge to sway and the car to shimmy. I hadn’t had dinner or even much to eat that day and this along with my already knotted up stomach was not sitting well. 15 minutes went by. I tried to get out of the car to see what was going on, but I could barely stand up in the power of the gusts and heavy rain and quickly got back in the car. 20 minutes went by, and I was starting to worry. Maybe there was a terrorist situation, or maybe there was just an accident, but either way, I was starting to ask myself how much weight this bridge could hold and if it would be possible for the wind to flip my car. I was having serious thoughts about winding up in the Hudson, trapped in my car. Panic started to overcome me and my claustrophobia began to kick in. 25 minutes passed, and I was beginning to realize that my bladder was feeling full from the 2 hours that I had been drinking water while sitting with Irena. I would think positive thoughts that traffic would start moving again in the next couple of minutes. It didn’t.
”Ok, I am now officially ready for support.” I thought. How can I get immediate support?!!!”
I tried to reach out to John and can’t remember if I called or texted but he got back to me via text and said that he would have to get back to me in 20 minutes or so. (He explained to me later that he did not know what was going on, and said that had he known he would have called me sooner.)
“The PSPLife Group!” I thought! I would put out a request for someone to call me on “What’s App!” After doing this Thomas got back to me almost instantly, 5 minutes after which I needed to ask him to call me back so that I could take care of creating a makeshift solution for relieving myself in my car. After that Thomas did his best to keep me calm.
“You’re Wonder Woman, right?” He reminded me. I looked into the back seat of my car to find my shiny costume in a ball in the corner.
Calls came in from a Hadar, Vanessa and John, but I was talking to Thomas now, holding on tightly to his voice unwilling to let go.
Thomas asked me “What do you get to do now that everything is stopped on the bridge?”Reminding me there are no accidents.
“I get to appreciate time to myself without anything in my space requiring my attention outside of myself. I get to focus on me, using my own power to calm myself. I GET TO SURRENDER” I said, “in the biggest way possible!” There was no other choice. The universe was speaking!
Thomas supported me, talking me through panic and anxiety for about an hour and 15 minutes more. Then John called again and I spoke with him for about half an hour until traffic started moving again. I had spent a total of 2 hours and 15 minutes on that bridge and was now overcome with relief and gratitude.
One can never really tell what the universe has in store for us. We can be focused on one thing and something from another direction will seemingly “broadside” us. We will think it came out of nowhere, but that will not be the truth.
Business: I have found myself starting my work half way or more through the day with my run lasting till mid morning, then walking Cecil and shower. Not good. Progress on one of my most time consuming activities, making75 calls per day has not even been touched. I get to change things this week.
Relationship: I have been good about not mentioning Irena to Arden or Jeff. I did see Jeff and Irena at a game and it was as if we had never spoken. They came in after me and sat separately and we did not speak. Also, I had texted Irena to see if she had a few minutes to speak about one more thing and she texted me a nasty message back saying wasn’t 2 1/2 hours enough? And could we please just leave it alone! I am clear that no matter how she is going to be right now, I will stay committed to how I want to be in order that I can know that I did my best.