There is conversation that comes up for me more often than I would like around what others are going to think. On a rational level I say who gives a flying fuck, they are not me, they have not walked in my shoes they do not understand life like I do based on my experiences and needs and I get to create the most out of this life for myself not for anyone else. If I don’t I am a fool. On a subconscious level however, thoughts creep in where I care about what every single person thinks and I want everyone to like me. I get that this isn’t authentic, that I don’t get to be authentic in this scenario. If I am true to myself others are going to have judgements that aren’t necessarily going to align with mine. They may judge me and distance themselves from me because what I believe in vastly contradicts what they do or challenges something inside them. They may disconnect in some way that I may not like. I get to figure out a way to put myself all out there and when I do, I get to get comfortable with the fact that I will be judged because that is what humans do. Humans try and make sense of their world, quickly sizing up situations, viewing and interpreting that which they come in contact with through their own finely etched viewing prism which has been chiseled over years by their own myriad of life experiences.
After having people in my life get sick, after having my financial situation change drastically during different phases of life, after seeing people flee when life gets tough I have come to the solid understanding that for me what really matters in life is that I lead a happy life, that I am solidly there for and make certain that those I am closest to know I have their back and vice versa, that I lead a healthy life (sports/exercise, nutrition, mental and emotional wellness) that I am strong and stand up for what I believe in, that I make the world around me a better place, that I empower others as well as myself and that I am able to create beautiful things, experiences and environments within which to carry out life. Sometimes, however, the “conversation” seeps back in. The advanced degree, the title, the job, the status in life that makes others treat you in a different way become momentarily alluring. I DON’T want to live after those things because I know they are empty for me, but sometimes I get frustrated because those “things” cause people to treat you in a more respectful way. I have experienced this. I GET that the opinions of others DON’T MATTER. 97.5% of me understands this, yet every once in awhile the the thoughts seep in. I should be doing something more. This is sabotaging conversation and I get that. I get that I have solidly landed on the career that is perfect for me. I get that living my dream is right in front of me. I get that that doesn’t happen easily in life, where one is able to make a living doing something they love….or even come to understand what it is that they love doing. So I need to get the fuck out of my own way with this nonsensical, sabotaging dialogue and make shit happen. Titles, traditionally respectable careers aside. I am on a quest to make money doing something I love and I have created the exact scenario in which I want to spend the rest of my foreseeable years….I get to be creative, I get to be successful, I get to build wealth and I get to better the world around me by giving back both financially and personally.
I also get to get clear that this brilliantly gleaming fruitful opportunity is hanging out on the limb in front of me and I get to pluck it off and taste its juiciness now.
As for goals, I am on a roll with yoga….REALLY getting back into it physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I can’t say enough about how yoga changes me and fills me up for the better. Through yoga, my way of being with others is so much more present and peaceful instead of busy minded and potentially not entirely there.
Jewelry, I made some progress this last week but I get to figure out a way to put myself in the creative space more readily. Perhaps yoga will help with this, I know sleep does and I am working on getting to sleep by 10 each night (work in progress). I get to step it up with the jewelry biz….I have a lot I get to do here.