I found myself fearing that I would soon be too depleted to deal with the next battle. This was scary and also kinda rewarding. It was scary in that I realized I was beginning to assume that every week would bring a crisis, which is not how I want to live (even if it is basically historically true). It was rewarding in that I realized I am tougher than I realized. I have been dealing with a tremendous amount – more than I ever thought I would have been able to tackle – and I am actually doing OK. I am grateful to the life that I have built that is overflowing with support and for all the things/ways/people who provide me with it. I still see the positive and experience a lot of happiness.
I took the past week to rejuvenate. I really focused on listening to my feelings and fulfilling my needs. I didn’t push myself. At first it was weird. I kept feeling like I should be doing something more important and that I was wasting time. It was a pretty confusing experience. I really said to myself: stop, look, choose. I spent a lot of time relaxing, talking with friends, painting my nails, I got a facial, went on long walks in the beautiful weather, coached a few friends through tough situations and was social. It was exactly what I needed. This week was one long mental note for the future – things that help me heal.
This week also gave me the space to reflect on times in my life when I didn’t have this level of support or self-reflection. I became depressed. There were times in my life when there were fewer obstacles and fewer tools to help me cope.
From this place, I jumped at the opportunity to register for a Project Management Course (thanks, Hadar for the referral) and am deciding between two other courses. The decision boils down to – do I do what I want to do (a life coaching course) or what will help me find a new job, since my job is toxic (a certificate program in Observational Behavior at NYU). I will get to a decision.
The sad part is, I keep thinking of this week as a privilege…that I took on in order to store up energy for the next crisis. I am not sure if this is a survivalist approach, a realistic approach, a bit of both, maybe something totally different. It might be good, it might be bad, it might serve me, it might have served me in the past.
I am always trying to find that delicate balance.