I found myself fearing that I would soon be too depleted to deal with the next battle. This was scary and also kinda rewarding. It was scary in that I realized I was beginning to assume that every week would bring a crisis, which is not how I want to live (even if it is basically historically true). It was rewarding in that I realized I am tougher than I realized. I have been dealing with a tremendous amount – more than I ever thought I would have been able to tackle – and I am actually doing OK. I am grateful to the life that I have built that is overflowing with support and for all the things/ways/people who provide me with it. I still see the positive and experience a lot of happiness.

I took the past week to rejuvenate. I really focused on listening to my feelings and fulfilling my needs. I didn’t push myself. At first it was weird. I kept feeling like I should be doing something more important and that I was wasting time. It was a pretty confusing experience. I really said to myself: stop, look, choose. I spent a lot of time relaxing, talking with friends, painting my nails, I got a facial, went on long walks in the beautiful weather, coached a few friends through tough situations and was social. It was exactly what I needed. This week was one long mental note for the future – things that help me heal.

This week also gave me the space to reflect on times in my life when I didn’t have this level of support or self-reflection. I became depressed. There were times in my life when there were fewer obstacles and fewer tools to help me cope.

From this place, I jumped at the opportunity to register for a Project Management Course (thanks, Hadar for the referral) and am deciding between two other courses. The decision boils down to – do I do what I want to do (a life coaching course) or what will help me find a new job, since my job is toxic (a certificate program in Observational Behavior at NYU). I will get to a decision.

The sad part is, I keep thinking of this week as a privilege…that I took on in order to store up energy for the next crisis. I am not sure if this is a survivalist approach, a realistic approach, a bit of both, maybe something totally different. It might be good, it might be bad, it might serve me, it might have served me in the past.

I am always trying to find that delicate balance.


One thought on “Resiliency

  1. Absolutely Beautiful. I am so glad you took time this week to stop, look, and choose to gently nurture yourself. I would love to have you incorporate the most helpful and nurturing activities this week into a regular self-care routine. I remember Vanessa used to take Friday nights as “alone time” to relax. Is there a way for you to integrate these elements into your week so that you know 2 nights a week are for facials and journaling (or whatever fills your wellness basket)?

    In regards to the Life Coaching (want to do) vs. Observational Behavior (should do, at least thats how I read it), I want to to offer this: your vocation is where you’re greatest joy meets the world’s greatest need. God would not inspire a desire in you that you are not capable of supporting yourself with. You are a very talented woman, and in that question of what you should do, I have two oberservations: 1. They sound very similar. I wonder if you might find the opportunity to provide “life coaching” after attaining a degree in Observational Behavior. You wouldn’t call it that. The setting might be more clinical. You would have a different degree, but it may be a different path to a similar destination. 2. From what you wrote, I hear that you don’t think that a life coaching course would offer you an opportunity to find a new job, or that IN THIS MOMENT you don’t have the capacity to find a new job AS YOU ARE. We call this “LIES YOU TELL YOURSELF”. you are a brilliant lady. It might not happen instantaneously. It might not look like what you’re expecting, but we can absolutely find you another job. People want you to succeed and they will do whatever they can to help you along the way. You are a deeply good person, and there is nothing more powerful than that energy- you have a lifetime of very powerful karma waiting for you to know your worth and step into an ask- from a deserving place. So spend some time reframing the question, and then lets ask the question from a deserving place and then EXPECT TO RECEIVE.

    Also, I adore you. Love.


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