I have decided to give myself space from yoga therapy to explore what might feel better. I feel optimistic and energized. I communicated to the women I am supposed to do the workshop with next weekend how I’m feeling (dreading it, hoping no one shows up) and they were super understanding and supportive. I’m loving being so honest even though it’s scary and hard to be speaking my truth in situations in which I feel like I’m letting people down. But my first obligation is to myself and I get to choose powerfully how I live this life.
I spoke with Scott about possibly taking on a support role for him in his business and am excited about it (no pressure, Scott!). I like organizing and making things more efficient and am good at it. I have a conversation in my head that people will judge me as running away and under-utilizing my abilities, but judgers gonna judge. Not my issue.
I have gone on two dates with a guy this past week whom I like but have some reservations about. I like his energy and what he does (he is a sculptor, yogi and musician, and leads kirtan (chanting in Sanskrit) and is currently working on a reggae infused kirtan album. I think all these things are so cool but I find myself wondering if he would be able to provide a secure life (he is also part of a family business selling luggage tags that is not doing well). I find myself thinking a lot about that essence reading I had last week and the outcome that security is my anchor and therefore a strong need of mine. I used be really anti-materialism (my master’s thesis was about the connection between insecurity and materialism and the impact of gratitude on this relationship) so it is somewhat disturbing to find myself so concerned with money and whether a guy will be able to provide for me (and the family I want) so early on, but I also get to be honest about what is coming up for me. As much as I love the idea of a spiritual artist and respect who he is, I don’t know if that is really going to work for me in a partner. Again, I’m not going to apologize. I get to keep exploring what feels right for me with an open mind and heart.
Side note: My main goal for the cycle is now out the window, and I couldn’t be happier about it. But I’m excited to continue to work on myself with all of your support.