Open and Excited

I have decided to give myself space from yoga therapy to explore what might feel better. I feel optimistic and energized. I communicated to the women I am supposed to do the workshop with next weekend how I’m feeling (dreading it, hoping no one shows up) and they were super understanding and supportive. I’m loving being so honest even though it’s scary and hard to be speaking my truth in situations in which I feel like I’m letting people down. But my first obligation is to myself and I get to choose powerfully how I live this life.

I spoke with Scott about possibly taking on a support role for him in his business and am excited about it (no pressure, Scott!). I like organizing and making things more efficient and am good at it. I have a conversation in my head that people will judge me as running away and under-utilizing my abilities, but judgers gonna judge. Not my issue.

I have gone on two dates with a guy this past week whom I like but have some reservations about. I like his energy and what he does (he is a sculptor, yogi and musician, and leads kirtan (chanting in Sanskrit) and is currently working on a reggae infused kirtan album. I think all these things are so cool but I find myself wondering if he would be able to provide a secure life (he is also part of a family business selling luggage tags that is not doing well). I find myself thinking a lot about that essence reading I had last week and the outcome that security is my anchor and therefore a strong need of mine. I used be really anti-materialism (my master’s thesis was about the connection between insecurity and materialism and the impact of gratitude on this relationship) so it is somewhat disturbing to find myself so concerned with money and whether a guy will be able to provide for me (and the family I want) so early on, but I also get to be honest about what is coming up for me. As much as I love the idea of a spiritual artist and respect who he is, I don’t know if that is really going to work for me in a partner. Again, I’m not going to apologize. I get to keep exploring what feels right for me with an open mind and heart.

Side note: My main goal for the cycle is now out the window, and I couldn’t be happier about it. But I’m excited to continue to work on myself with all of your support.

Advertisements

6 thoughts on “Open and Excited

  1. Emily- I feel like I went through a very similar process around men and dating. I would ask you these things, which I didn’t hear: You are attracted to abundance? How are you currently inviting abundance into your life? Do you think that you can find an interesting man who has depth and Is “cool”- into the same strange and wonderful things you’re into and also is a partner in providing for the family? What does security look like? What would your family home look like? Can people in alternative and artistic domains make money and support families?

    I keep wanting to apologize for asking these questions, and I’m not sure why… something for me to look at. Anyways, I know that if its your commitment, you’ll find a true partner.

    Best,
    Emileah

    Like

    1. Emileah, Thanks for your response. It’s funny that you said you want to apologize for asking the questions, as I’ve been feeling vulnerable about my post, thinking that it makes me look bad. I appreciate your questions, as they are thoughtful without making me wrong. I know that people in alternative and artistic domains can support families, but the idea of it makes me nervous. I get to keep looking at that. I do think I can find a man who is into the same alternative things as me and can still be a provider. I also get to keep looking at my relationship with abundance and how I can create security for myself, both financially and emotionally.

      Like

  2. Hi Emily….I applaud you for recognizing that your first obligation is to yourself in choosing what you want to do from a career perspective. I hope you get a chance to work with Scott, that sounds like an awesome idea. You will figure out what you want to do from a career perspective and it sounds like you are creating the space for that to happen.

    If someone (people) are sitting in the safety of a secure but unchallenged life and passing judgement on your choice to do something in the interim, realize they don’t know what they don’t know. When we challenge things in life sometimes we go “off plan”….sometimes we have to figure things out as we go and take the next “wave” that looks like a good one while we are figuring out the larger picture. Keep on keepin on, you will figure it all out….congrats on making an empowered decision and for voicing your need!

    Like

  3. ps- you had offered to walk me through some meditation stuff and I would like to take you up on that. Next week we are in VT (SO NEEDED and SO EXCITED), but the week after I will hit you up to schedule a call. Have a great weekend!

    Like

  4. It sounds like you feel confident you’re in touch with yourself, you just are now emerging into a place where you’re not hesitating to speak and live in your truth anymore.

    But, just because you’re unapologetically speaking what’s authentically coming up for you doesn’t mean you’re immune from challenge, right? You don’t need to apologize for anything, particularly if it’s true for you, but are you nonetheless open to feeedback?

    In fact, that’s one of the great benefits of just being honest and speaking what’s true–you get to get real feedback on what’s actually going on for you and thus actually make progress. Or not, feedback is just information.

    So, I’m going to give you a challenge, knowing that it could be off and it may not resonate (again, just information).

    Are you approaching prospective mates from a place of assessing to whether they’re going to be ‘enough’ for you?

    Now almost everyone will tell you there are certain things you just can’t compromise on unless you want a world of misery–like whether to have kids, for example. Maybe you feel “financial security” is one of those things (and I don’t know what that means for you; does he have to be an accountant or a doctor? I know men with “spiritual” businesses who actually do quite well).

    But if you come at every man assessing whether he’s making enough money for you or can provide enough “security” for you, that will affect how you BE, and it could even pervade the entire relationship (whether with this man, or a man who immediately checks your “security” box). “You need to be enough for me,” will be the message. It’s about the approach/perspective, and the results that perspective creates — the criteria (whether it’s financial security or he must be 6 feet tall or he must be fit or he must be under 40) is irrelevant. It’s the “assessment” approach I’m talking about. In my opinion, this is one of the gravest mistakes folks make in the dating realm. I highly recommend approaching a prospective mate from the place of: ‘what can I give’ rather than ‘what can I get.’

    And, I’m going to caution that I don’t think it’s wise to put on someone else the job of giving you security. If you want security, get responsible and generate it. What does that look like? I don’t think it means you have to go jump into a job you hate, kill yourself being a yoga therapy provider, etc. — the man may still be the provider, but it may be about supporting him in doing that. For us, I’m the provider, but Jimmy never comes at me from a place of: you must give me security, and if you don’t, You Are Letting Me Down and Ruining Our Lives and I Didn’t Sign Up For This. Instead, he supports me in my job, all the time, without judgment, without assessment, without expectation. It’s just giving. At the same time, he knows what’s at stake and how important my job is to us — but he doesn’t remind me of it and how that’s what I’m supposed to be giving him and I’d better not quit because we AGREED I’d DO this, etc. He always asks himself, what can I give to have her be effective and happy in her job? And look, I need his financial contributions to be steady, too, even as he need not be the provider. I used to come at him from a place of: “you’d better FIX this” and “this is what I EXPECT of you.” Didn’t work. Now, it’s just support, and believing in him. And when I do that, he blooms like a happy little flower and gets clients and our relationship is healthy.

    Like

  5. Thanks so much for your response. I really hear what you’re saying about approaching dating from a place of assessment, and of “You need to be enough for me.” That is something I with which I struggle. Initially when dating, I am a harsh critic, and then once I’m in, I become a caretaker. It’s an unhealthy pattern. I love giving to a partner and have often found myself in relationships in which I give much more than I receive. I think my current assessment approach is a misguided attempt to prevent that. But I know that what I truly seek is partnership in which we both give to each other because we want to. I get to keep looking at the unsettling feeling that emerged for me with this last guy and see where else I am not taking responsibility for creating my own happiness and security.

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s