I wrote a longer post on ALIs, but I don’t think I’ll share it because I couldn’t avoid talking too much about my interviewees. I’ll just briefly post (my personal) takeaways instead.
-I don’t lack the capacity to connect, just the will. The source of that is a lack of faith and trust in others. I believe they will let me down, misunderstand me as a person, be deceitful, self-interested, etc. The core of what stops me from connecting is thus a failure to choose trust with people in general. When I choose distrust, not surprisingly I have zero (0) desire to connect, as I’m convinced I will have to expend effort protecting myself the whole time and only stand to be harmed by it in the end. Actively choosing connection starts with actively choosing trust (and oh my gosh, just the thought of that causes me discomfort; you can’t just CHOOSE trust, my ego says…. AND we’re back at (literally) lesson 1 in the Basic). I think really what I need to cultivate is a willingness to choose trust despite knowing people will let me down (and they will, and I will and do let others down). Sylvia said something during Momentum’s Basic about choosing trust being, for her, akin to choosing freedom. Freedom is VERY important to me, it has been the #1 priority my entire life — I literally have designed and structured my life around that concept. If I can connect trust to freedom, I will be golden.
-I am afraid to be a creative person because I still believe it will result in alienation. That’s what stops me with regard to writing, and writing is probably more complicated than music. Yes, I have far more skill in writing than music, but writing is my original content. Music is not (as yet). I cover other people’s content. It’s my voice, maybe my arrangement, my idea — but still, the words are not mine. The words, or the song, is tested and true; published, successful, on the Billboard charts, what have you. I’m not saying getting on a stage and hearing your voice come out of a microphone is easy, I get nervous as hell, but the truth is writing my own original content is a different ballgame. So, naturally the conversations that stop me are fiercer and more formidable than with music. I still have no solution to this, other than let the pain of not pursuing it continue to collect until I can’t take it anymore. That day will come, and my inner intuitive self is telling me it’s coming real soon. For now I am going to let it be.
Quick sidenote: I said above “I am afraid to be a creative person” based on my favorite Tony Robbins video, which I’ll try to find so I can share it. But, in it, he talks about how the only way to change your life is to raise your standards. You can go on a 30-day diet, or work-out program, but when the 30 days is up you will revert to how you were — because you failed to raise your standards. When you DO raise your standards, things that were “shoulds” — I “should” lose weight, I “should” be fit — become “musts.” He says raising your standards is also akin to changing your identity. Deciding you ARE something that previously you were not (similar to Be, Do, Have). In other words, I AM a fit person. Fit people work out regularly. That’s who I am, so this isn’t a 30-day thing, it’s a lifetime thing. I re-watched this video recently and thought of how it applies to my block with writing, and as much as being a creative person is something I would normally celebrate and admire in others — there’s something goin’ on there for me. I have “ideas” about creative people and they are not flattering. It’s only half thought-out for me at the moment, but the second TR said successful changes in life are tied to shifts in identity, my wheels started turning. I don’t have a problem being a writer–I got shit on being creative, though.