I missed my post yesterday. I got caught up in other things and didn’t make it a priority. I get to look at what I’m choosing and what impact it’s having.
It’s been a productive week with respect to clarity. I’m feeling really good about my decision to take space from the work I’ve been doing. Reading Kyla’s post about her identity as a writer made me think. I am a therapist. I love how that sounds and proudly took it on as “who I am.” But not only would I not die if I could never do therapy again, part of me that would be excited to be free of what has come to feel like a burden. I get to choose a new way of making money, and whatever that is may or may not become part of how I define myself.
I met with Scott on Tuesday to discuss working with him. I think it could be a great opportunity for me, at least in the short term and possibly longer. I also plan to try doing therapy through an online platform called Betterhelp in which the communication is largely in writing on my own time. I’m very curious to see how this will feel, as it will eliminate two of my major causes of anxiety in typical therapy—anticipation of the appointment time and feeling pressure to come up with a good response on the spot. And I have always liked writing. It feels like it has the potential to be a fit. (And then I can still call myself a therapist 😉 )
I had a date last night with a guy I met through a mutual friend several years ago and we recently matched on a dating app. I know that he is very successful and I worry that I give that more weight than it deserves. I had a nice time, but I didn’t experience the level of connection I want. I can already hear your responses—“It was just a first date, give it time” and “You are responsible for creating the connection you want.” Yes and yes. I recognize that I come from a place of judgment when dating and I get to work on that. There is so much to work with here. I will see him again (possibly tonight!) and get to be present to the ways I can create the deep connection I want and see if he is willing and able to meet me.
I had my egg freezing consultation yesterday and am planning to do the process in early May. I am feeling empowered about taking this step but I also feel sad because what I truly want is to be getting pregnant, not freezing eggs. I get to be kind to myself and do my best to practice patience as I actively look for a partner. I want my identify to be that of a mother. I know it will be eventually. In the meantime, it feels heavy and hard.