My last stat entry is a farewell — for now!
This group has been nothing but wonderful, and frankly, it’s been my saving grace during a roller-coaster year when I was taking on a HECK of a lot in my life (as a side note, I really appreciate that the founders of this group had the spectacular foresight of creating 45-day cycles, making it easy to join in or sit out, however life may beckon).
When I first joined PSPLife, Jimmy hadn’t even proposed yet! That first meeting for cycle 1 in Hadar and Naomi’s apartment feels like it was AGES ago — like ANOTHER LIFETIME ago.
This group has supported me through wedding planning, growing as a musician and singer, coming back from the wedding and honeymoon and rediscovering myself as a wife and partner, moving from Manhattan to Astoria, my ongoing struggles in Red Elephant’s rigorous year-long Flight Club program, giving me a platform to write when I couldn’t seem to be able to write anywhere else, and much, much more.
I will miss you all, and the blog, and the WhatsApp chat, and the group meetings that can’t help but be way too long (lol). I have every intention of joining another cycle down the road (the “farewell” message is just because my hiatus may last longer than a cycle or two, depending on what life brings).
What’s ahead for me is baby planning (as I said in yesterday’s post, Jimmy’s birthday this weekend marks our official starting line for that endeavor), continuing the fight to emerge as a writer, hopefully staffing another Advanced and an LP with either Advanced Ed or Momentum (potential pregnancy permitting!), and, as always, music!
I want to leave you all with a final thought, for my fellow self-worth strugglers, which was really powerful for me. I actually cried (in public) when I told Jimmy about it. I meant to share it months ago, but it never seemed like the right time (and even now I’m not sure it fits, but I figured I should share it before I sign off for a while since it came to mind).
“When Breath Becomes Air” [spoiler-alert, Josh!] is a memoir by a young neurosurgeon who gets diagnosed with terminal cancer just as his career is taking off. He and his wife make the conscious choice to conceive a child despite knowing his prognosis (something Jimmy appreciated in particular, as while our choice is not nearly as dramatic, Jimmy will be an older father, and we’ve spent some time mulling over what impact that may have on our child — but the fact is whatever soul is brought to us will have won the father-lottery with Jimmy, even if he doesn’t have as long as others might; add to that that no one knows when our time is up, a point that is only emphasized by this young man’s memoir). The author (now deceased) ends up living long enough to hold his infant daughter in his arms. In the book, this is the message he leaves for her:
“There is perhaps only one thing to say to this infant, who is all future, overlapping briefly with me, whose life, barring the improbable, is all but past.
That message is simple:
When you come to one of the many moments in life where you must give an account of yourself, provide a ledger of what you have been, and done, and meant to the world, do not, I pray, discount that you filled a dying man’s days with a sated joy, a joy unknown to me in all my prior years, a joy that does not hunger for more and more but rests, satisfied. In this time, right now, that is an enormous thing.”
My thoughts when I read this passage were: what an incredibly powerful message to leave behind for your child, and, that message is actually for all of us. We are all that, for someone — in the past when we were babies, now, and in the future. Because we all, at our core, are love, and that’s what we give to the world and to each other. How could that not be enough? How could Jimmy ever think he’s not enough, when he gave that gift to his mother the moment he was born, and later to a heartbroken woman who had given up on happiness (me)? How could our future child ever feel like he or she is not enough, when already we feel immense love and excitement just thinking about being his or her parents? You don’t need to set out to prove you’re enough; you started out that way, by default, by merely existing. You’re still that way, and you’ll end that way, too. We don’t begin this life with a deficit, nor is it possible to create one along the way. We begin it being all we’ll ever need to be, right from the start. So, forget about, and let go of, the “I’m not enough” struggle — it’s invented, it’s not real, it does not exist — and just be love (because you are) and pursue what makes you happy (whatever “happy” means for you).
And yes, I am very much talking to myself when I say all of that, but I figured it may resonate with some of you, too.
I love you all, and even though I won’t be participating, I am standing for a super powerful cycle 7 (what a great number)!
[Epilogue (wow I am ridiculous, who has an epilogue to their stat post?): You may have noticed that from time to time ‘outsiders’ ‘like’ our blog posts on here. The last two people who ‘liked’ my recent posts caught my attention–both are bold, creative women. Photographers, adventurers, world-travelers. Their own blogs are these cornucopias of color, creativity, imagination, and authentic expression. People living outwardly how I feel inwardly; explosively creative. No accidents.]