This post is late (I actually thought it posted Thursday on my flight back, so it’s REALLY late) and part of the reason is that I was on a lovely vacation, and let myself forget what day it was and was utterly present. Part of the reason was because I needed to process a few things and write today, when Sylvia (my nerd) was receding from dominance. This was the first trip I’ve taken with this very important man (VIM), who I think I will spend the rest of my life with. We’ve only been together for three months, but something is different with him; he is clear that he wants to be with me, and it’s creating a very powerful space for us to grow together.
Nonetheless, I have beliefs about long term relationships that don’t serve me, and I spend a lot of time collecting evidence so I can be right. This only hurts us. I am critical and look for reasons to walk away from commitments. And I am deeply committed to changing that experience of being with myself and others. What I realized today is that my partner is complimentary to me and also similar to me – it is the similarities that drive me crazy. There are parts of me that I do not like, and when I experience those in him, I cannot stand it- I want him to be different, stronger, more mature, to say the right thing, to intuit what I need, to be better. He’s a human who loves me, and two days ago he asked why I was upset and I actually had to look him in the eye and say, “because you can’t read my mind”, which is the bat – shit craziest thing I’ve ever said (maybe), and it was the truth. That poor man. So, moving forward I get to work on choosing love, and choosing to experience the “other” – whomever that might be- from a mindset of generosity. To me, that means assuming they have good intentions. They do. I have zero people close to me who wish me harm or would sabotage me. And yet I often OFTEN assume the worst and it’s affecting my relationships. I am, as Jasmine said this week about her relationship with her momma, ready to speak to someone (a therapist or life coach) so I can have the kind of loving partnership that I want and deserve.i get to release the beliefs that relationships make people miserable. I get to take responsibility for my feelings. I get to choose to assume the best of others. I get to have compassion for myself and others- we are all just amazing, imperfect humans doing the best we know how to do in this moment.
Oh, right- stats. I’m on Vacation! I hiked a lot, got paid to eat on the pier in Malibu and sleep in and surprise my sister in LA and eat fish tacos. Mmmm. Winning.