Statz yo.

This post is late (I actually thought it posted Thursday on my flight back, so it’s REALLY late) and part of the reason is that I was on a lovely vacation, and let myself forget what day it was and was utterly present.  Part of the reason was because I needed to process a few things and write today, when Sylvia (my nerd) was receding from dominance.  This was the first trip I’ve taken with this very important man (VIM), who I think I will spend the rest of my life with.    We’ve only been together for three months, but something is different with him; he is clear that he wants to be with me, and it’s creating a very powerful space for us to grow together.

Nonetheless, I have beliefs about long term relationships that don’t serve me, and I spend a lot of time collecting evidence so I can be right.  This only hurts us. I am critical and look for reasons to walk away from commitments.  And I am deeply committed to changing that experience of being with myself and others.  What I realized today is that my partner is complimentary to me and also similar to me – it is the similarities that drive me crazy.   There are parts of me that I do not like, and when I experience those in him, I cannot stand it- I want him to be different,  stronger, more mature,  to say the right thing, to intuit what I need, to be better.  He’s a human who loves me, and two days ago he asked why I was upset and I actually had to look him in the eye and say, “because you can’t read my mind”, which is the bat – shit craziest thing I’ve ever said (maybe), and it was the truth.  That poor man. So, moving forward I get to work on choosing love, and choosing to experience the “other” – whomever that might be- from a mindset of generosity.  To me, that means assuming they have good intentions. They do.  I have zero people close to me who wish me harm or would sabotage me.  And yet I often OFTEN assume the worst and it’s affecting my relationships.   I am, as Jasmine said this week about her relationship with her momma, ready to speak to someone (a therapist or life coach) so I can have the kind of loving partnership that I want and deserve.i get to release the beliefs that relationships make people miserable.  I get to take responsibility for my feelings.  I get to choose to assume the best of others.  I get to have compassion for myself and others- we are all just amazing, imperfect humans doing the best we know how to do in this moment. 
Oh, right- stats.  I’m on Vacation! I hiked a lot, got paid to eat on the pier in Malibu and sleep in and surprise my sister in LA and eat fish tacos.  Mmmm. Winning.   

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2 thoughts on “Statz yo.

  1. Wow, we humans are so like one another. So much of what you have written rings true for me too. Love you Em and so glad you have someone who is loving you in such a way that “creating the space” for something beautiful to grow is possible. ….and btw, don’t forget to be loving to yourself, you aren’t bat shit crazy….at all, and we all get to have moments of uncertainty, of off-the-walledness….. Thank you for the reminder that the world is good, and that we get to assume the best of others and that others intentions for us are true and good. Hugs!

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  2. “There are parts of me that I do not like, and when I experience those in him, I cannot stand it- I want him to be different, stronger, more mature, to say the right thing, to intuit what I need, to be better.” It’s a great realization, because relationships are when we are in HIGH danger of projecting what we want to be different about ourselves and our lives onto the other person. It is not his job to be “enough” for you, and if you make it his job, be prepared for issues. I don’t know if it’s “generosity” so much as getting responsible. If something’s missing, you’ve got to look at you first. Come from you are causing that relationship, 100%. You also get to be responsible about your reactions and what you make up, which you mentioned above. I recommend considering Jimbo for extra support! He’s a pro, and to the point without wasting time stirring shit around. But whatever support you end up using, I think it is fantastic that you are open to that; what a difference it makes and how silly it is to go on struggling for no reason.

    Also, how AMAZING is it that you are in this relationship! You’ve been wanting it for so long, and it’s so wonderful to hear that it’s arrived. As long as you two remain committed to each other and your vision of what’s possible in your relationship, you will find a way to get through whatever you need to get through. Congrats!

    Liked by 1 person

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