I received an email from a friend this morning about an awesome Chief of Staff position for a CEO of a big company. I responded the way I typically do- wow, that does look like a pretty awesome job; I am totally unqualified; I’m flattered that you thought of me; I wish I were ready for it. There seems to be large gap between what others think I’m capable of and what I think I’m capable of. That is a big part of what this cycle is for me- To close that perceived gap in my head, aka Operation Freedom.
I have said this many times before, but one of the things that I appreciate about these cycles is the heightened consciousness that flavors my thinking. With freedom on my mind, I have hit the ground running and have been knocking things off my worry list. First- creating time for my health goals. I ran twice this week in the park and meditated 20 minutes during lunch today- on my way to the 3x each this week, which is stretchy but going to happen! I reached out to the team for doctors: dentist is scheduled! Ophthalmologist and dermotologist are still in the works. Outstanding medical bill- so my experience is that every time I go to an in-network Doctor, I pay my co-pay and without fail I still get a bill. It drives me fn crazy. I am very cynical and my thinking is that these unscrupulous soulless bastards try to get more money out of everyone so they just send you a bill that you don’t owe for a small enough amount that you would be willing to pay because you don’t want to go through the hassle of fighting it. This thinking poisons my soul but my experience is that it’s true. Sure enough, after 30 minutes of calls over two days, they waved the bill, that they admitted was a “mistake”. One more thing off the worry list as I chase freedom.
So there are some brutal limiting beliefs that mess with me. Some of you have heard it before. The gist of it: I had a lot of potential, I worked really hard, created some opportunities for myself, but never made any career decisions. So I was left behind, and I don’t get to have an interesting, challenging, fulfilling job or a life filled with passion, love and excitement. If I’m lucky I get to survive. Throw on top of that a healthy serving of anxiety and some trauma of being downsized and there is gratitude around surviving. But I still reserve the right to dream and still believe deep down that my future is bright, textured and sumptuous, full of joy and contribution. If I keep that at a distance I feel ok, but when I start to consider how to go after it all the hardcore nerdy feelings bubble up immediately- the inadequacy, the fear of rejection, the reckoning with having made some bad choices, the reality of being underemployed. It’s real and it’s heavy.
But I accept it. It’s me and it’s my timing. I have my scars but I have my wisdom. There are cracks in the walls. Feeling good. Feeling hopeful. Starting to taste free.