Feels like progress . . .

Still not putting the structured time into my career goal and finding myself alternating between feeling angsty and calm. That said, I am talking with people regularly about my past experiences and my future goals and am feeling some movement. Our small group meeting on Sunday was powerful and I attended another purpose support group last night.

I had a preliminary phone interview today about I job that I think could be a great fit for me. It’s managing a new meditation studio that is currently under construction. They are looking for someone is who both managerial and will create a warm, positive energy for the space. I think I am a perfect fit and I am excited about moving forward in the process with them (while trying to stay unattached to the outcome—so hard!)

I am having a lot of resistance to the blog I committed to posting publicly about my desire to be a mother. I completed a draft and have shared it with two people. While the feedback has been positive, I can’t help but hear the voice of inner critic saying loudly that it is not smart to be so vulnerable so publicly and what am I really hoping to accomplish anyway? But I am working on letting myself be seen and expressing myself without shame so I this is an opportunity to practice that on a larger scale. It’s scary but also exciting (but mostly scary).

In other news, I had a great first date on Monday night. He was warm, smart, funny, and sweet (and tall, cute, and Jewish to boot.) We had an easy connection that felt really nice. I did not succeed in putting aside my agenda and evaluative mode, but I did set an intention to be present and open-hearted and I think I was fairly successful in that (as much as one can be when still in judgment mode) ;). I get to be kind to myself as I work on shifting my ways of being from critical to neutral observation and staying present in my body as I navigate the dating world.

 

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3 thoughts on “Feels like progress . . .

  1. yay all around! being one of the two people who read the blog post, i am having a hard time seeing what part of it is such a departure from what you have already shared with the group….or are you planning to share it in another forum? we’ll talk…

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  2. Interesting to hear you mention a concern re: vulnerability about your desire to be a mother – what’s under that?
    What do you see as the downside to being open and letting the world know?

    On my end, I really wish to be a father. I’ve been blessed to be an uncle for nearly 18 years now, each of my sisters has 4 kids and Naomi’s brother just had his second. What’s odd for me is that the push was hot and cold for a while, and I wasn’t tuned into it for a big chunk of time…circumstantially I might say that my surroundings on the UWS were such that it was convenient not to think about it, but that’s not fully true as many of my peers have been having children for many years.

    It’s odd to me that in December I’ll turn 40. I don’t feel it. Many people tell me I don’t look it. A high school classmate got married really early and has a kid in a gap year abroad who could enter college next year. That’s so crazy to me to think I could have a son or daughter that old.

    It’s an enormous regret for me – I think about how much fun it is for my sister to have a daughter so near her age and the closeness of their relationship, that despite retaining the parent-child balance, allows them to confide intimately. I hope to be able to develop that type of bond with my own kids one day and wonder if the larger age gap will be a barrier…I know -> only if I say it is…:)

    I thankfully have a grandmother who is still strong at nearly 87 and many of my great-grandparents lived into their 90s, so I continually joke with Naomi that I’m simply a late bloomer and I’ll get all the same time with my kids, grandkids, great-grandkids, etc. on the back end instead of at a younger age.

    That said, when I connect with not having kids, especially now 2 miscarriages in, the feeling chokes me up and punches me in the gut. I look forward to all those moments, from the many many diaper changes to the terrible twos (we plan to use a ‘we can’t hear you when you whine’ rule…good luck to us) to all the sweetness and teenage angst, the good, the bad, the wonderful and the terrifying.

    Do I want to be a dad? So so badly.

    I know that we’re not in comparable situations, but here’s hoping some openness from me can support you with your post. Happy to write more if that would continue to support.

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    1. Thanks for sharing this, Hadar. I appreciate your vulnerability and openness. I guess the judgment I fear is from people who don’t know me and get that this is one small part of who I am. But I guess I get to choose powerfully to share this part of myself or choose powerfully not to.

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