This whole concept of choice is fairly new to me. I never really believed it, I never even thought that it was a thing…I was stuck in a life that felt, well, limited. I felt like I just needed to survive and it never occurred to me that I could live.
See, the thing is that I came to this country when I was 9 yrs old (about 22 yrs ago…long ass time ago). Things were really bad for my parents in Ecuador…you know, the usual 3rd world country sitch. Deep breaths. We came here without any real way of getting our green cards. For many many years my family (mom, dad and 2 sisters) and I went without. My parents and my sisters eventually got their residencies but I was the lucky one who never found a way. Yes, I am currently in this country illegally (this is not smg that I share with people freely bc I am always scared of what ppl will think, what assumptions they’ll make…and with all the support that Trump has gained, it is even more terrifying now for me to embrace this part of my life…so yeah, I am at my office typing this up with tears in my eyes not exactly sure how I even have the balls to share this with you all lol). Anyway, I spent a lot of time feeling trapped. My parents paid for my undergraduate education pretty much in cash, and even though we paid NJ state taxes, they paid for my education at Rutgers at the cost of what an international student would pay. I can write a novel but I will keep it short lol Life felt incredibly hard…immigration laws got stricter and stricter by the hour (I exaggerate but that is how I felt). I found myself not being able to work legally (a huge blow to someone who graduated with a 3.8GPA, volunteered countless hours at a Children’s Hospital in the oncology wing, president of her sorority, with work experience at one of the top structural design firms in the world…). I felt trapped. I couldn’t work, I as too in my own shit to realize that I could go to grad school (I have completed half of the coursework for my master’s in structural engineering), and I just really hated life. Eventually I dusted myself off, started volunteering, learned that I could go to school in NYC bc they are nice to the likes of me and allow us to go to school lol, and I got a job as a structural engineer in a small firm and I was making like $10/hr (I was just happy to have a job and be productive). Then Obama did a wonderful thing and gave ppl like me, who came to this country as children but never found a way to obtaining legal status , a way to work legally. I filled out the paper work, got an employment authorization card and then got a job where I am currently at…making way more money that I thought that I was qualified for, getting promoted quickly, getting raises and bonuses out the ass. I truly am blessed…too bad this is not where I want to end up.
Here is where I come back to where this blog post started…CHOICES. I like, have choices. I can choose what I want to do, how I want to do it and it is fucking terrifying. I always felt like my path was pretty much laid out for me. Kinda like bowling with the bumpers up…No ball, you are going down the middle one way or another…no digressing…now it is, well ball, go wherever you want…the world is truly your oyster (well not really, lol, until I have that green card, I am not going anywhere outside the US…9 or so months to go and then…the world will really be my oyster lol).
IDK it is just really scary to have options. Shit. I have options. What the hell do I want to do? How do I want to do it? Where do I want my life to go? It is beautiful to have so many options and I am deeply blessed and immensely grateful for my life (an my parents…what haven’t they done for me? and Obama…I love that man. Thx for the opportunity to work, boo). Every now and then I freak the fuck out bc I am not used to this much freedom. I can’t imagine how I’ll feel when even more doors open for me…How do you all do it? lol
yeah this weekend I spent a lot of time freaking out. crying. thinking…ok, you know all that you want. how you want it…go get it. and I was like…ummmm…is this even real?
End rant. lol