Starting off, raw and real

Life has been feeling really hard lately, or at least, a lot harder than is usual for me. I went off a medication about a month ago that I had been on for many years, and though the withdrawal symptoms have improved, I continue to feel anxious and emotional. I have been crying most days and am more keyed up despite daily meditation and an increase in exercise. So that is the backdrop through which I’ve been experiencing all my ups and downs recently.

I have been proactive about job searching on my own and even more so with the extra help of our PSP life job search group. I’ve applied for several jobs in the last week, which is great, but it feels a bit like I’m throwing darts somewhat randomly and hoping something sticks. I only apply to positions that seem interesting and for which I can at least make a case that I’m qualified, but it’s almost always a stretch because I’m switching fields and therefore have no direct experience for the roles. As such, I’ve gotten used to not hearing back so I rarely get my hopes up (not sure if that’s good or bad, probably both). The fact that I’m still not clear exactly what kind of job I want is disheartening and makes my plan to speak with recruiters feel untimely, like putting the cart before the horse. I also change my mind weekly (if not more frequently) about what I think I want to do and then judge myself for doing so. So I’m soldiering on with the job search, but it’s not pretty.

I’m also not feeling very jazzed about my second goal to give/spread love. Kyla’s comment in the chat about the importance of being inspired by your goals struck a chord. I feel like I chose this goal because I thought it would be good for me but I never actually felt excited about it. I think feeling so raw and vulnerable lately makes this stretch feel even more difficult. And honestly, right now, it feels like a chore. A major thing I’m working on right now is being kind to myself, especially as I struggle more than I have in a long time. So in that vain, I’m going to tread lightly with this one. I am going to be open to opportunities to share appreciation and affection, but I am not going to put too much pressure on myself to meet the exact quota I set for myself in my PSP.

I am also considering swapping this goal out entirely and instead choosing to embrace and/or embody play in some way every single day of this cycle. I am actively working on creating more play, silliness, and joy in my life, so the idea of taking this on as my second goal is really resonating with me right now. I’ll keep ya’ll posted on this.

On top of all this, I have been having a really hard time with a close friend recently and just communicated to her that I need some space. The whole thing feels really shitty as I blame myself for having gotten too close to the point where I feel enmeshed and overly critical. Also, this is not the first time I’ve gotten very close to a friend and then started to feel that the relationship was unhealthy. I’m looking at how I created this, and again, trying to be kind to myself as I navigate the ramifications of taking this space.


4 thoughts on “Starting off, raw and real

  1. Have you had a chance to spread/give love yet and then see how it feels after? If not, I would take it on at least a few times before giving up on it. When things are going not so hot for me I always have this amazing feeling after I look and give outward even when I don’t initially want to.
    Annd love yourself is also spreading/giving love 😉 It sounds like you are doing this with yourself right now.

    Who cares if you change your mind on what you want to do? Don’t beat yourself up so much. You can do something and like it or not and change. I studied broadcast journalism with the dream of being a sportscaster in college. Instead I went to lawschool became a lawyer changed my mind again and now own a gym and currently want to not work in my gym but travel the world and play tennis. During all of these years there were several times I could not make up my mind in fact I still can’t.
    Just saying your not death do you part with your next job……unless you choose.

    Thanks for being open and raw and sharing what you are going through.


  2. Actually, I should put my foot in my mouth with all my changing job commentary until I take some action and get out there and risk like you and put myself out there and apply for new projects. It is easy for me to comment from the comfort of being inside while watching Time for me to get off the sidelines and join you on the playing field.


  3. I think you’re doing a lot better with the job stuff than you think you are. The uncertainty is uncomfortable — searching for something without a clear idea of what it is can be really frustrating. But the key is you’re still at it — you’re in action, you’re fighting through those feelings and going for it. The next thing that comes along may not be the right thing — but it will probably be the thing that leads you to the thing that leads you to the right thing. I think the fact that you’re “soldiering on” despite lots of emotions and frustration and lack of clarity is something to proud of — it shows tenacity.

    On the second goal, I actually felt a different energy when you were writing about incorporating play. I think that may be the release you need right now, so I’m in favor of this change if you end up making it. Plus — we all could use that. Spread THAT, you know? Like when you had folks do the game at 5pm the other day. It lightens things for everyone, and it’s a way of spreading love.


  4. You’re really brave for taking this step to determine how you will handle life without this medication. Especially coming when a number of life pieces are in transition, it’s amazing to see you taking this on. I’m glad that you’re able to share with us what you’re feeling and dealing with during this process.

    Re: “throwing darts somewhat randomly…gotten used to not hearing back…not clear exactly what kind of job I want” There’s a LOT here. Some questions:
    – How often are you meeting with friends to discuss your job search?
    – Who from your undergrad & grad school can you contact for informal meetings to discuss what they do if outside of therapy/clinical work and opportunities?

    Many of the positions I (or my friends) secured have come through relationships and people I know rather than a random application to the Internet black hole. I remember my last time going through this process. I found it incredibly disheartening and felt like I was calling cliffs of broken glass while barefoot.
    This was an enormous influencing factor for my contract:
    Vulnerable – I’m open to sharing with people what I’m up to and allowing my self to connect, be authentic, etc.
    Trusting – both in myself to know whatI want to do it and in others so that when I ask them for help they will respond
    Courageous – I will do the things that intimidate me, I will step forward to do things that intimidate me and that a scale that makes me hesitate
    Loving – I except things without judging that I open my heart and my mind to seeing new possibilities, I engage emotionally & warmly with the people in my life

    I created this contract as a new way of being to enable me to pursue a new career, a job that would offer fulfillment and benefits that would allow us to start a family and enable me to feel positive about my work life.

    What in your contract can provide you with the same freedom, drive, and power to energize your search?

    Re: 2nd goal – it’s for you. If it’s not speaking to you, don’t sweat it. I’m a big believer in fun times and playing so putting that in as a goal in my mind gets a huge thumbs up!!

    Happy to discuss further if it would help.

    Keep on truckin’!!!


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