Life has been feeling really hard lately, or at least, a lot harder than is usual for me. I went off a medication about a month ago that I had been on for many years, and though the withdrawal symptoms have improved, I continue to feel anxious and emotional. I have been crying most days and am more keyed up despite daily meditation and an increase in exercise. So that is the backdrop through which I’ve been experiencing all my ups and downs recently.
I have been proactive about job searching on my own and even more so with the extra help of our PSP life job search group. I’ve applied for several jobs in the last week, which is great, but it feels a bit like I’m throwing darts somewhat randomly and hoping something sticks. I only apply to positions that seem interesting and for which I can at least make a case that I’m qualified, but it’s almost always a stretch because I’m switching fields and therefore have no direct experience for the roles. As such, I’ve gotten used to not hearing back so I rarely get my hopes up (not sure if that’s good or bad, probably both). The fact that I’m still not clear exactly what kind of job I want is disheartening and makes my plan to speak with recruiters feel untimely, like putting the cart before the horse. I also change my mind weekly (if not more frequently) about what I think I want to do and then judge myself for doing so. So I’m soldiering on with the job search, but it’s not pretty.
I’m also not feeling very jazzed about my second goal to give/spread love. Kyla’s comment in the chat about the importance of being inspired by your goals struck a chord. I feel like I chose this goal because I thought it would be good for me but I never actually felt excited about it. I think feeling so raw and vulnerable lately makes this stretch feel even more difficult. And honestly, right now, it feels like a chore. A major thing I’m working on right now is being kind to myself, especially as I struggle more than I have in a long time. So in that vain, I’m going to tread lightly with this one. I am going to be open to opportunities to share appreciation and affection, but I am not going to put too much pressure on myself to meet the exact quota I set for myself in my PSP.
I am also considering swapping this goal out entirely and instead choosing to embrace and/or embody play in some way every single day of this cycle. I am actively working on creating more play, silliness, and joy in my life, so the idea of taking this on as my second goal is really resonating with me right now. I’ll keep ya’ll posted on this.
On top of all this, I have been having a really hard time with a close friend recently and just communicated to her that I need some space. The whole thing feels really shitty as I blame myself for having gotten too close to the point where I feel enmeshed and overly critical. Also, this is not the first time I’ve gotten very close to a friend and then started to feel that the relationship was unhealthy. I’m looking at how I created this, and again, trying to be kind to myself as I navigate the ramifications of taking this space.