Choosing Overwhelm

I spent most of week one of the cycle in overwhelm and disconnect from this team, and now that I’m in LA for a few days of vacay I’m starting to come back. It feels like a really weird way to start the cycle for me.

There are a few different things going on that are putting me into overwhelm. OK, I can hear you Kyla, I know overwhelm is a choice and not a reality. So I was choosing to be overwhelmed by the big and emotional life changes that are about to come my way and to fall into the Jewish holidays as a way to avoid.

There are a few things happening at once – my leaving my job, with the practical and emotional realities that come along with that; launching a job search in a new-ish sector; tons of Jewish holidays and – as Hadar mentioned on the chat – heading into the process of IVF so that we can start our family.

I’ll start with the last first. I didn’t even make one of my goals related to IVF this cycle because I didn’t realize we’d be starting at this exact time. It’s been on the horizon for a while, and we’ve visited a few doctors, but it wasn’t until 2 days after the PSPLife cycle started that we met with our doctor, set our timetable, and realized we wanted to start right away to get in before their lab takes a break. For now I just started my first set of pills, so it’s still in the easy phase of the process.

The overwhelm on the surface is coming in the form of needing to schedule a million and one appointments and juggling a bunch of medications and injections over the next few months. The overwhelm is not yet coming in the emotional form, because I feel so far away – the implantation won’t start until January.

But the big vision is that Hadar and I get to start our family! We’ve had two miscarriages over the last two years, so it has been a long and heartbreaking process. While we don’t know that this will work, we know we are proactively setting ourselves up for the best chance. To Eugene’s question about gratitude, we are soooo grateful for modern medicine and also that our insurance largely covers the process.

This will come up in my second goal this cycle (wellness/self care/identity outside of professional) and will probably be my main focus next cycle.

As for my major goal, I made some good headway. I’ll save the story for next time and leave the juicy bits here. A few weeks ago I made the courageous decision to leave the job I love because I’ve been mistreated by members of our board – really for years, but in a big way in the last 2 months. Everyone else I work with recognizes how I’ve grown the organization and created incredible impact. A partner of mine thanked me for ‘bringing integrity into our organization.’ Her implication is that the founders – the ones mistreating me – work with no integrity. I fully agree and anyone who knows them knows that about them. And as we know from LP, without integrity, nothing works!!

In terms of doing what I said I’d do this week, I formally gave notice to my board and then to my staff. I did it gracefully. When one of the founders tried to get me to stay so he wouldn’t be saddled with the work, I said no. Too little, too late. When a staff member of mine went to Texas unexpectedly as her mom got sick, I waited for a few days to give the team the news at the right moment. It is SO sad, and much of my goal this cycle is focused on gaining catharsis from the process, grieving the outcome, leaving with grace, and moving to my next step with integrity. I am on a good track.

As for my job search, I made good headway!! Updated my resume, made an appointment with my business school career center to update it further to be marketable to consulting companies, updated a job leads list with 25+ leads, set up 4 informational interviews/meetings, and participated in our PSPLife career subgroup (love you guys).

There is a LOT going on at the moment, and I know it’s OK to feel overwhelmed. We are in LA for 6 days visiting our super close friends and their adorable kids, and it sunny and beautiful. Looking forward to some downtime and space from the overwhelm, and to beginning to move out of it in the week to come.

Advertisements

4 thoughts on “Choosing Overwhelm

  1. I am so sorry for the heartache you’ve experienced, I can’t imagine. I really look up to your grace and bravery through it all, though, and your willingness to be open about your journey. And yes, thank god for modern medicine and for your insurance covering the costs and for you two having each other as a partner in this process. I just know there is a happy ending waiting for you in the near future, which will be all the more sweeter because of the challenging road that led to it. I so look forward to watching that happen.

    But man, you’re not kidding, those are a lot of changes at once! I think overwhelm is appropriate here, lol, and yes sometimes one needs to just fall into it to get to the other side. You will get through it though, and focusing on what’s possible helps. Your new job in a field you like with people who value you and lift you up; your future family and the incredible parents you two are going to be. You’ll get there– you’re already on your way.

    Like

  2. I have also been moved and grateful for your openness in the last 2 years. I’m sorry you’ve had to go through such loss, and I so look forward to celebrating with you and Hadar in the future. Enjoy your vacation. You are going through a lot, and you’re feeling the stretch of these big new experiences, let is be ok to feel that strain. Happy to hear you’re creating movement on the professional front. Excited for you!

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s