I have been in action with my thoughts. Thanks to Angela, I rediscovered Louise Hay’s book “The Power is Within You”, which had been sitting on my shelf, untouched for a while thanks mostly to its pink and aqua cover with a radiating heart. But the timing was right and I have been open to its wisdom. Ok, it’s a bit more than that. The night I opened it, I read 1/3 of the book and found myself laughing uncontrollably and had a good cry. So that happened…to a bona fide, certifiable, grade A Analyzer.
Two ideas have really been resonating with me, ideas that are pretty basic, ideas that I have definitely heard before, and yet somehow feel like I am hearing them for the first time. First – The notion that our thoughts are a big determining factor of the quality of our lives and that we can control or influence our thoughts. Second – self-love is foundational and essential. So many years of education yet nobody ever taught how to love ourselves and why it’s so important.
So for instance. I didn’t get a bonus. I met with my boss. She was a bit surprised that I asked about it, and said it was for people who really go above and beyond, like “the firm would fall apart without them.” I got it last year. I continue to work hard and have taken on more responsibility. It feels like bullshit. I can go on and on but what’s the point. This is the type of stuff that makes me go bananas- the arbitrary nature of it, the lack of solid answers, the injustice!!! And so what. I have two choices. I can stew in it or I can do better. Not for them but for myself. Stewing feels more natural, more true, and of course more counter-productive. So I get to choose differently. I get to choose healthier more productive thoughts. The fact that healthier more productive thoughts are actually no less true than destructive debilitating thoughts is part of the breakthrough for me.
And so I have been doing affirmations in the morning, which surprisingly feel really nice and affirmations before going to bed. They feel nice and light, which is most welcome considering my anxiety has been really rough lately. The day that I met with my boss for a check-in and to discuss the bonus, I experienced serious discomfort for 7 hours straight (the meeting wasn’t until 4pm). It kind of felt like how I imagine I would feel before going bungee jumping (I would be terrified) – just 7 hours of constant flight or fight without any relief. I did some breathing, took a walk, intellectually thought it through, yet nothing would give me relief. I am thinking of what to do about that – perhaps seeing a therapist might be a good idea…
I am grateful for the growth. If the pain and discomfort is just growing pains, I will grin and bear it, but if I am suffering unnecessarily, then I might have to make some moves. But like I said, lots of gratitude here. And tomorrow is my one year anniversary with my gf…gratitude.