As I write this, the twins will not stop moving. Suddenly my tummy has a corners–like, it’s boxy–then it morphs back to a round shape, then there are visible bumps and jerks all over.
It’s a surreal experience. Two living beings are inside me, and they’re not me, you know? They’re separate, with their own brains, hearts, feet, hands, eyes, lungs, and souls, if you’re spiritual like me.
How do animals process this, or do they just have an inner knowing of what is going on that sets them at ease? The curse of being human is that we can’t just accept what is; we’ve got to understand, inspect, scrutinize. We’ve got to control.
Sometimes the rapid movement scares me–does it mean they’re getting ready to come out (it doesn’t but in the moment I think this)? They need to stay IN at least another 8 weeks.
Then I start thinking about them coming out. What scares me most about that is not the labor (though for a girl who winces and looks away in terror when she gets a flu shot, it should), but what happens next.
We will leave the hospital and go home with TWO babies after having NONE. Then what? What do we DO? AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH.
Okay, breathe — smile therapy. :-).
On to stats.
Goal 1: money.
At the first check point, I’m a little over halfway toward my goal, which is good. There are many outstanding items though.
-We are paying off Jimmy’s car tomorrow. This means less savings this week but it’s better in the long run. This way his car payments are done and we can begin preparing for the new car (a purchase he agreed to put off a few months).
-Going to look into credit repair services for Jimbo and figure out how to finally deal with past mistakes from years ago that still affect him. Poor guy. He and money have had a tough relationship, but we will fix it.
-I downloaded Mint, which is useful because it operates on its own (all I had to do was set it up and link my account-very easy, thank you to my buddy Emily for the suggestion).
-I got my travel reimbursement already, so my detailed chart and carefully organized receipts paid off.
-I signed up for the budget challenge Vanessa recommended, but I have yet to engage with it. I’ve been in a “I’m so tired” story all week and I can’t tell if it’s real. I would be more convinced if I hadn’t recently flown across the country and worked 10-hour days. Am I tired, or just resistant and nervous about what’s ahead, so avoiding and and refusing to engage with the world and my goals? I think the solution is to schedule 30 minutes a day to focus on budget, so I will implement this next week from 3 to 3:30.
-No word yet on security deposit but Jimmy is following up with broker today. I really don’t want to have to change into my Lawyer Super-Suit, so fingers crossed on this one.
-Saturday we are looking into a new cellphone plan. We never win here but it doesn’t stop us from trying!
I need to call, next week:
–The IRS (almost done w/my debt to them but looking to nonetheless suspend payments during maternity leave)
–NY Tax Dep’t. (Think they owe me $500 but not sure).
–Medical insurance carrier (adding babies/gauging impact of that)
–Call retirement plan administrator (I don’t even want to tell you all what this is about because it is too embarrassing; I’ll just say I’m a recovering abysmally irresponsible person).
Goal 2: connection to babies
I’m in judgment of myself on this goal. I wrote, but not to the babies (about them, not to them). I worked on song, but felt disconnected and my voice felt weak.
Jimmy talks to my womb and that makes me feel better. We talk together about what’s ahead and have started shutting off the TV for the last half-hour or so we’re awake to just ground and connect to each other and the babies.
I think I fell off writing because I never caught up from that business trip. I need to get over it; it’s this weird preoccupation with perfectionism even when it doesn’t at all matter.
One thing that was really cool–the other day Jimmy had just gotten back from an AA meeting where he was the speaker. I asked what he talked about, and he said he talked about staying connected to joy and gratitude even when things get tough. He said since it was a cloudy day, he referenced how even though it’s cloudy, the sun is still there, behind the clouds, which will pass.
Well check out what I wrote to the babies weeks ago (now remember these writings are to the babies with the assumption that if they do read them one day, they will be adults).
Clouds – 9/30/16
Clouds have always bothered me. To me, they make the world look sad, and grim. Of course, it’s the exact same world it was when the sun was out; it’s just my perception of it that has changed.
Clouds pass, too, but on days when they weigh heavy across the whole sky, I feel like they never will. I know, though, that the sun always comes out again–that it never left, that it was there behind the clouds the whole time.
You’ll find that struggles in life tend to operate the same way. I had a tense conversation with your dad in the car the other night. We sat there in the dark outside the house. I was feeling upset about the move, and about how the two of us got so caught up in the busyness of it all that we had forgotten to stay connected to each other. It was an uneasy feeling that seemed like it would never pass, which was all the more unnerving.
We talked through it, though, and resolved to both do the work to approach things differently. Your dad told me that whatever I felt was missing from us, from our new life, I needed to initiate it. I didn’t want to hear that then; I wanted to blame him, the move, the house. But today in the early morning hours alone, I couldn’t deny that he was right; if there’s a certain spark missing from our lives, it’s because I’ve chosen to disconnect.
This morning, the clouds were still there, thicker than yesterday. They will be for a few more days. But I woke up feeling lighter. I played country music on the radio (my favorite) while I got ready for work, and sang along. I wondered if you could hear me, or if you could at least feel the vibrations of my voice. Then I danced to a song or two, wondering if that was a fun feeling for you, or if maybe it made you feel a little queasy.
I feel your kicks now, all the time, sometimes even in the middle of the night. They’re getting stronger. They remind me that the future is insistently knocking at the door, waiting for me to catch up. I promise you I’ll get there.
Anyway the plan for next week is to let go of the writings needing to be perfectly completed every day and give myself a break. It’s not about whether I write every day; it’s about creating connection within myself to what’s ahead. That has nothing to do with the “doing” of completing the writings. I’m still having a hard time shifting from “doing” to “being” though, so I want to implement a (short) meditative practice in the morning to get grounded and focus on connecting to the babies before the day starts. On music I also need to let go a bit; it’s not about the song I chose, it’s just about singing to the babies and letting them hear my voice–weak, off pitch, tired, however it comes.
On another note (literally?), this song has been my anthem for the year. It’s from a band called Lucius that Jimmy and I saw for the first time at the Newport Folk Fest two years ago–two women with strong voices who sing in orgasmic harmony. This is a link to a live recording of “Two of Us on the Run.” Something about the slow build and the lyrics keeps me going.