Michael called me on Sunday after i posted something on whattsapp about choosing to create something new. He told me how great i am, and sent me a virtual hug. i’m not even sure what he said that had such a profound impact on me, but i sat there crying a little; i could feel the hug, and realized how much i needed it. through our conversation i transitioned from focusing on my insecurities to focusing out and thinking about how much good i can create, the ways i can contribute, my capacity for connection, etc. Our conversation energized me and helped to lift the anxiety i’ve been feeling.
Jason is moving into my apartment when a friend moves out in january (new and exciting development), which eases some of the fear around my living situation.
My goals are slowly coming along. I’ve had a lot of resistance in the job application area, and needed more self care than expected. u shades with my buddy that this has made me feel guilty in the past, like i should be able to work robotically, do more with less sleep, not need nurturing, nourishment, down time.
I’ve stopped internalized the belief that there is something “wrong” with me because of my work history, but i am still holding myself back in small ways that have a big impact.
There are so many transitional things in my life at the moment- my fiance is moving in, a brother is moving out of state, i am job searching, saying goodbye to two roommates, and today we choose a new president. i believe that big transitional times forge us into stronger mettle. i’ve been afraid i would get all burnt up… but i am going to phoenix the hell out of this fire. i’m so grateful for this community, for this conversation, for friends who will call me out and make me show up for myself.