Michael called me on Sunday after i posted something on whattsapp about choosing to create something new.  He told me how great i am, and sent me a virtual hug. i’m not even sure what he said that had such a profound impact on me, but i sat there crying a little; i could feel the hug, and realized how much i needed it.  through our conversation i transitioned from focusing on my insecurities to focusing out and thinking about how much good i can create, the ways i can contribute,  my capacity for connection, etc.  Our conversation energized me and helped to lift the anxiety i’ve been feeling. 

Jason is moving into my apartment when a friend moves out in january (new and exciting development), which eases some of the fear around my living situation.  

My goals are slowly coming along.  I’ve had a lot of resistance in the job application area, and needed more self care than expected.  u shades with my buddy that this has made me feel guilty in the past, like i should be able to work robotically, do more with less sleep, not need nurturing, nourishment, down time.  

I’ve stopped internalized the belief that there is something “wrong” with me because of my work history, but i am still holding myself back in small ways that have a big impact. 

There are so many transitional things in my life at the moment- my fiance is moving in, a brother is moving out of state, i am job searching, saying goodbye to two roommates, and today we choose a new president.  i believe that big transitional times forge us into stronger mettle.  i’ve been afraid i would get all burnt up… but i am going to phoenix the hell out of this fire.  i’m so grateful for this community, for this conversation, for friends who will call me out and make me show up for myself.   


3 thoughts on “

  1. I SO relate about the internalized belief that there is something wrong with me and how that holds me back. Letting go of that belief is YUGE (sorry, couldn’t resist). I am always impressed by how you show up so authentically and bravely. You will indeed “phoenix the hell out of” whatever fires you encounter. ❤ ❤ ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I love this post. You really do have so much to offer. I feel privileged to experience it all the time.

    To echo Emily”s beautiful point, this is huge. I have to ask – in what ways are you still holding back? Identifying them is important.

    Sending love.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Thanks Emily and El.

    I am starting to recognize a fear of finding a position and hating it or experiencing something like I did at my last position, which was pretty unhealthy, (though I am proud of myself for getting a life coach and working through things). I am noticing that it takes me too long to apply for positions. I am hesitant to reach out to contacts for support. I am nervous that I will get into a position and like it too much (!!!!???!!!) and then not want to leave when Jason and I are ready to move. There have been occasions when I have not applied for a position because I did not want to have to choose between two opportunities (which I was sure I would get… what?!). So pretty much I’m crazy and delusional, but really lovable, right? I have all of these tiny bits of resistance that have me avoiding. The avoiding is sneaky. Its harder to catch in the light. But you are right, noticing is really important. Thank you.


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