What a week. It feels like everything that happened before Tuesday was a lifetime ago. As awful as it was to see (and feel) the outcome of the election, I found comfort in the fact that we are all in this together. It also made my personal problems seem much smaller and more manageable, dwarfed by the enormity of what may now happen.
That said, I saw a second psychiatrist today and felt much more seen and understood this time. He affirmed that I probably have a serotonin deficiency, which felt reassuring (I’m not choosing this shit!) After hearing me speak, he reflected that I seem to have a lot of ambivalence about my decision to move away from my career as a therapist. He said that how I described my experience sounded a lot like a version of performance anxiety. This was an eye-opening perspective (or maybe I just heard it differently). Either way, it’s definitely something I want to explore further. He encouraged me to reflect on whether this is the best time to be taking on the extra challenge of brain chemistry adjustment as I navigate my career transition.
Overall, he urged me to not be so hard on myself. I feel like I get this feedback a lot. In fact, this may be the issue I struggle with the most. I am hard on myself and I am hard on others. At some point over the past week, I named my internal critic Dolores. Dolores is so ingrained in me (and such a constant companion) that I have a hard time recognizing when she’s in action. If I am going to make any movement towards being kinder/less hard on myself, I get be diligent in distinguishing when Dolores is talking rather than me and remember that her version of truth doesn’t serve me.
Goal 1: I haven’t applied for any jobs in the last week. I am meeting with one of the other women from the company next Thursday and I’m still feeling hopeful that this is going to work out. While I know the prudent thing to do is to keep applying for jobs and not count my chickens before they hatch, I’ve been ignoring that completely and reveling in the optimistic belief that this will work out and I won’t have to apply for any more jobs. Poor decision? Maybe. As such, I will commit to spending 2 hours job hunting this coming week in order to counteract the chicken counting.
Goal 2: I definitely had some solid play in my life this past week. Game night last Thursday was a blast. And Sat night was also a lot of fun. (Let’s not talk about the hangover and depression that followed on Sunday). There was not much fun to be had on Tues or Wed this week but I am starting to feel a bit lighter and am planning to reconnect to fun and play this weekend. For one, I’m planning to see a comedy show tomorrow night, which I always enjoy. And I get to keep creating small moments of play, remembering that each moment is an opportunity.