This is such an unfamiliar cycle of PSPLife, or as we call it, Life, to me. Every week Friday rolls around and I’m a ball of anxiety. Overwhelmed and not sure what to share first in my blog post. The good thing is, I KNOW it’s not the ‘new normal,’ because right now, every stressful thing in my life is temporary. And that makes a huge difference.
Other than Trump. Yes he’s temporary, in that 4-to-god-forbid-8-years kind of temporary, if this in fact is reality and not a nightmare.
Tuesday was so incredibly uplifting and then so unbelievably crushing. It’s the first presidential campaign I remember following so closely and feeling so passionately about. Hillary really grew on me. She’s unbelievable – passionate, ambitious, whip-smart, accomplished, tenacious and classy. And yes, she’s also a politician. She lies. She makes strategic decisions to get ahead. She shows up differently on camera and in person. She stayed with her husband even though he treated her horrifyingly. Politicians are three-dimensional too.
I was so thankful for the amazing Pantsuit Nation group on Facebook. It was a force that took off the week of the Elections and it was such an inspiring community to be a part of. My world – and Facebook feed – is such an echo chamber that EVERYONE seemed to be donning a pantsuit and finding themselves in tears casting their ballot for who they believed would be the first female president. It wasn’t just that we were sure, because we support her and live in an echo chamber. Pretty much everyone expected her to win.
Coming out of a grounding Tuesday night at 10 pm and seeing that Trump was ahead put my stomach in knots. But it was early still. And it wasn’t POSSIBLE for him to win! Sojourn was a force of positivity and we went out on our adventure, intending to end up at the Javits Center to celebrate Hillary’s win a few short hours later. We ended up at a bar where we watched the horror unfold. It was the worst feeling in the world to experience hope losing its grip in our hands with nearly every state that tallied. I was going through the early stages of grief – total disbelief that it was happening – to anger and bewilderment – who ARE these people??? – until I finally left at midnight, followed until 1:15, and slept in fits until I saw the awful headline “President Trump” at 6 am.
How did this happen??? I thought it was clear that Trump was a laughingstock in the world, a singularly hateful and unqualified candidate who deigned to think he could have a shot at this thing. I could go on and on, but realize time is short before Shabbat so I’ll have to process more later. I’ll just say that Wednesday is one of the worst days I remember. It was painful to get out of bed and face the world.
Unbelievably, Thursday got much easier, and today even more so. How quickly grief passes….when I think about it, I still feel a punch in my stomach, but I’ve distracted myself – whether consciously or sub-consciously – with other things.
Namely, our merger announcement went out yesterday. I was surprised by just how excited I was to see it in print! It was a celebration of what we’ve created with our three partners, and I’m excited for our organization to move forward in this way.
Yes, it’s bittersweet that I won’t be a part of it. We did our first 4-way joint team hangout the day of the announcement and it’ll be a really fun team that I won’t have the pleasure of being a part of. And they’ll be missing out on me, which I know they feel as a loss.
But just in case I needed a reminder about why I’m leaving, I had another painful email exchange today with the founder that I speak to (as opposed to the one that I don’t speak to). There’s clearly still a lot of hurt and anger, and much that has been unsaid. Some of it needs to be discussed and some doesn’t. I certainly don’t feel catharsis yet. Of course, I’m still deep in the operational weeds at work, and that’s separate from being deep in the emotional weeds with the board. Both together are a bit too much to handle.
Continuing the theme of each week, work continues to occupy most of my mind, even with things like IVF injections starting TONIGHT. There have been tons of details to handle this week with the doctors, finance, etc AND I’m feeling anxious about getting shots 2x/day. I have a feeling that once I start it won’t be as scary. It’s crazy seeing how many tons and tons of people are in the waiting room each time I go – there are soooo many people handling fertility issues just at this practice. It helps to be a part of that club, I guess.
So how am I practicing self-care, my second goal? Well had I realized we’d be starting IVF I would have made that my goal, but truthfully I do need to find ways to support myself. Right now it’s not happening. Not much downtime, not much processing time, and not enough energy to find a way to take care of myself.
Though I’d sad that the training we were going to staff this weekend is no longer happening, I think the downtime will be good for me. Then it’s off to a wedding and conference on Sunday.
I look forward to these temporary challenges passing me by and leaving me with valuable lessons! Not the least of which is an appreciation for the stability and happiness I typically feel day to day in my life. Life is a journey of ups and downs.