Hadar – Week 5

Whew, what a week.The good!

– Naomi is off of injections for a little while. We went in today for the retrieval procedure…I’m not going to give too much info here for a number of reasons, but we remain hopeful for good news over the next few days.

– On Friday I secured a co-honoree for my big work event. Not the same one that I thought we secured a few weeks ago and who later was unable to confirm for this year, but another big name just the same. I’m hopeful for what that could mean for my Division’s fundraising this year. I’m also relieved a bit as my supervisor continues to point out that we need to raise serious dollars this year.

– My grandmother is off tomorrow to Israel. She came for a summer visit and then had a number of health issues arise, which has kept her here long since she was due to return this past August. Thankfully, tomorrow she is finally feeling well enough to travel once again. This summer’s incident aside, she has an amazing amount of energy for an 87 year-old and is incredibly mentally sharp.

The bad!

– My supervisor got really annoyed at me for what he deemed to be poor communication…just when I thought I was getting somewhere! I could get defensive, I could point out any number of reasons why I think he’s unjustified in what he’s saying, but then I’m missing the point and denying his perspective and his feelings. Ultimately, there’s more to be done.

– The person who had initially agreed to work with me on the CharityProtest.org website backed out citing a desire to channel his energy to other initiatives. This has put my work on hold until I can find someone new to work with me. 

Okay, but how am I feeling about all of this?

I really appreciated the comment by JBG at our small group meeting about not being attached to results. I struggle with this concept because I generally feel that isn’t how world operates: rewards, promotions, etc. – all rely on results. Getting a raise or a promotion depends on generating results from my work & donations for my organization.

Similarly, and with the current process Naomi and I are going through, it’s stupendously difficult not to be tied to the outcome. I can honestly state now that I will be incredibly devasted if it turns out negatively. Can I pick up the pieces? Sure. Can we try again? Of course. But I’ll be incredibly devasted nonetheless.

I acknowledge that there are the times when the journey itself has meaning; there are times when despite my best intentions and most stringent actions I hit a wall. Sometimes things simply aren’t meant to be. In those times, the effort and more so, the commitment mean the world. Simply giving something my all can be its own reward.

I’m not looking to end my post with a negative vibe. I have high hopes for the news we’re to receive later this week of the initial results. My point is only how difficult it is for me to separate my intentions and effort from my results, and any thoughts and suggestions on how to accomplish this are most welcome.

Peach and love,



2 thoughts on “Hadar – Week 5

  1. I realize I tend to indulge in heaviness and negativity more than the rest of you so of course I would say something like this, but, remember that there’s nothing wrong with negativity. Sometimes the positive pollyness everyone tries to keep up makes me want to tell them to cut it out (but then I fear texts or calls saying “what’s wrong” and “do you need support”). What you and Naomi are going through is hard, and it matters a lot, and you get to be devastated if the outcome you are hoping for doesn’t happen and have it be okay. It doesn’t mean you’re falling to apply the work or be “transformed.” Honestly sometimes we try to work the work too perfectly, making sure we’ve got the right attitude, the right outlook, are using all the right tools, etc., and forget that we’re human. I guess I’m saying give yourself permission to be human and let the negative thoughts be okay. It doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong, it just means what you’re going through is hard and it matters a lot and yes that’s the stuff of life but life in all its richness encompasses difficult periods and sometimes you need positivity but sometimes you need to just be sad, or angry, or frustrated — or if you don’t get what you’ve been going for, devastated.


  2. Can you learn to hold multiple feelings at once? They can both be valid and important but different. For example, knowing you will be devastated if this process doesn’t work but also knowing that you can find the tools to heal. At the same time, intentions and results are both important but at a certain point they might conflict. Can you learn to acknowledge that they are both valid and both need to be paid attention to? That might be a place to start. From there we can figure out what to do with those two sets of feelings.

    In addition, there are times when the way we do things works in one setting and not in the other. The fact that you are results oriented probably got you to and through your MBA and is the reason you are good at your job. This is a strength in so many areas of your life. Use it when it serves you.

    Lastly, you made one comment that reflects your occurring world: “I really appreciated the comment by JBG at our small group meeting about not being attached to results. I struggle with this concept because I generally feel that isn’t how world operates: rewards, promotions, etc. – all rely on results.”
    Could you start looking for other evidence? Could you start looking at things differently? I am sure new information will pop up…


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