Grateful

Wow, I completely missed my blog post on Friday, realized on Saturday and am only now posting, 7:30 pm on Sunday.

To say I’ve been disconnected this cycle would be an understatement. At times I felt like it was an out of body experience, watching the what’s app chat happen around me and zooming in every once in a while to think about my goals and what was going on. The other 7 cycles, as far as I can remember, I was deeply engaged. Funny thing is, I would see Mara write into the chat this cycle and feel like she did an awesome job playing the role I generally did, and I kept my distance! Not a bad thing for either of us (thanks Mar).

It’s been a theme of my life the last few months of this work drama. I’ve been so focused on it, both emotionally and practically, that I’ve barely grazed on other parts of my life. Emails pile up and conversations continue and I just felt too busy and distracted to participate. It frustrates me, because I know that in the big scheme of life this work drama is minor, and will pass, and I’ll regret not spending time in connection with people. I guess the light at the end of the tunnel is that my last full time day is this Wednesday (!) and then I’m working 15 hours/week, mostly remotely, in December. Even though I was up for a bunch of hours in the middle of the night as recently as 1 and 3 and 5 days ago, so it’s clearly still stressing me out, I think I’m finally starting to get close to moving on. And then I’m sure I’ll be able to experience the range of feelings of sadness, excitement, nostalgia, pride, etc. Still proud of what I’ve created this last 5.5 years at PT!

In exciting news, I’ll be in Orlando next week for three days for a conference. This was one of these opportunities that felt like it came out of the heaven for me. An organization I’ve worked closely with invited me to attend this conference as a ‘conscientious disrupter’ within a track at the conference (their words). My job is to attend 3 sessions for 1.5 hours each and participate. Not teach or lead or facilitate like I generally do, but PARTICIPATE! With smart people who I like! And the rest of the time, I am free to either join the conference or sit out by the sun!! And flights, hotel, and ground transport are covered. Whoo hoo!! This must be a reward for these last few months. I am grateful.

Interestingly, whereas the work stuff this cycle (related to my first goal) made me hide and disappear because I was so focused on it, the self care goal (which ended up being related to IVF – I can’t believe I didn’t even know at the beginning of the cycle that we’d be starting IVF right now!) made me seek support, even though it’s far more personal and uncomfortable.

It was an intense week but has calmed down and ended in a good place. Once again, I’m tremendously grateful. On Monday we went in for the procedure and it was quick and smooth. I had had somewhat of a similar procedure after miscarriage #1, so luckily I had a sense of what to expect. The drugs were much stronger this time, though, so I was pretty out of it for over 24 hours after. It was awesome to have Hadar home to take care of me and make me yummy food. The side effects have not been awful but have been up and down – some bad stomach aches and discomfort, tiredness, and bouts of sadness. (Yes, I know that doesn’t sound like a side effect, and it would happen anyway, but I’m attributing part of it to the hormones and drugs).

The initial results are promising and we’ll get more this week, though likely won’t be sharing them because so much is still up in the air. The second phase will happen in January, so I have a break now for a month from injections and doctors visits. I joined an IVF group on Facebook (obviously) and it is INTENSE as you can imagine – it’s been helpful to hear from tons of other women going through it in different ways. I’m trying to focus on the positive stories and not the ones where people gave up after 11 failed cycles…

This will likely be part of my goals in the next cycle, because how could it not be a huge part of my/our lives?! Then again, I’ll see where I’m holding and how much we’ll want to be sharing.

So all in all it’s been a weird cycle. I am grateful to this group for your support – always knowing that you’re there. I know I said at the opening meeting that every cycle there are folks who want to drop out because they feel like they’re not pulling their weight, or they feel guilty, and I said clearly – it’s not like that here. When you feel you want to drop is likely when you need the support the most and when the group might need you there with them, even quietly. And that’s how I feel. I don’t feel guilty; I feel grateful that I have this space to be me! Thank you, cycle 8!

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