Who Knows?

Who knows what I’m about to write?  Not me.  I skipped last week… it was a concious/subconcous decision.  At first, it was getting late on Tuesday, and I wanted/needed to spend quality time with my man.  And I thought, “it won’t hurt to just post tomorrow”, and then Wednesday started, and got quite away from me, with many responsibilities and distractions, and also, WHAT HAVE I ACCOMPLISHED THIS CYCLE?  And so I would write Thursday…. and then I started to feel quietly self-impressed that no one had noticed, like I was getting away with something (quite like a child who didn’t bring their homework and is pleased when the teacher forgets to check for a day).

I have decided that it quietly hurts the world when I don’t show up, and I often don’t show up.   I’m sorry that my voice was silent last week, and I am back (for the last week).

Eliane told me at the beginning of the cycle that I’m not looking at my ways of being in the job search.  I’m not trying to change the central issue, which is that I am confused and sad and I have confused my worth with external trappings of prestige.  I should have listened to her and created a practice of self-love.  I did very little this cycle, and its in large part because I am fear and insecurity driven.

On Sunday I went to Quaker Meeting, which I’d been thinking about doing for months.  I looked up the schedule the night before, set an alarm, looked up transportation.  jason called as I was leaving in the morning, and I talked with him (he was getting off an over -night shift, and it was my one opportunity to talk with him all day), and then I went to Quaker Meeting even though I was ridiculously late.  I went anyways. And I walked in and sat quietly.  I listened to the inspiration of others in the room, and heard powerful, kind, and brilliant things.

At the beginning of the meeting, I asked the question of my higher power, “what should I do?” and the response I got, from a place of depth, was, “what do you want to do”?  Which I really should have seen coming.  Its always been the question.  What do I want to do?   I’ve been getting some helpful reminders lately, and I think it comes down to the Einstein quotation about a fish being graded on climbing a tree…. I’m different.  I’m a special, beautiful, and smart and sassy koi, and trying to climb this tree is downright unhealthy for me… So how can I reimagine employment for myself?  What do I enjoy doing that I can receive financial incentives for (not that)?  Because public health is actually not working out for me right now.  I can’t go over it, I can’t go under it, I have to get through this.  I have to get through this with self-compassion, with a little imagination, with some vision.  I will get through this with my soul intact if I can separate the self-worth from the career.  This little fish gets to stop comparing (killer) and start enjoying the water.  This paragraph touches on about 6 different topics, not least is me reconsidering the field I’ve been shallowly investing in for the last 6

I wrote this poem in 2014.  It is still relevant to my life today.


What does it mean to invest in your life,
 When the news is always bad and
There is a better investment in the next town over?
It does not matter-this is where I stand- this!
This will be my own small harvest and
 I must tell myself most often;
The greatest critic in the world rests between my ears,
asking me the million unanswerable questions
No matter.
This is my harvest,
my own small plot,
my own sunlight,
made a million years ago and delivered
 just at this instant
for my own small heart-shaped face
standing tall
in this small plot
of my own small harvest.









3 thoughts on “Who Knows?

  1. It’s amazing how much stuff, or noise, or whatever you want to call it gets between us and knowing what we truly want. The “what do you want” exercise I think is designed to drown all the inner conversations out, leaving you with the truth, which we all have somewhere within us.

    I think the poem is great, and subject to a lot of interpretations–what I get from it in the context of your post though is a strong, defiant decisiveness that is absent from your approach to your career. The poem has an empowering narrative as a result. What are the payoffs you get from not deciding/committing? Or if it’s truly just the wrong field, what payoffs are there for pursuing the wrong field? What are you saving yourself from?

    On a separate note I smile every time you mention your relationship. I just remember you wanting that and then now here it is. The same will happen w/job I am sure, and maybe there are even parallels to draw there in terms of finding your way.


  2. I so feel you about confusing worth and prestige. But when push comes to shove, I want to be happy more than I want to be impressive. So I just took a job with zero prestige but that I think I will enjoy. I’ll let you know how that goes.

    Also, you may be acting from fear and insecurity, but that is not who you are. That is Sylvia talking. What if you listened to Sylvia’s other half, your biggest fan, who reminds you that you are strong and smart, you know what you like, and it’s only a matter of time before some job jumps at the chance to have you? I know this is easy to say and much harder to feel when you’re in it, but I just wanted to reflect what you already know–you are one badass koi, you just gotta keep swimming 🙂


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