Hadar – Week 1

Wow, it feel so strange to be back on this site after so much time away even though it (a) really wasn’t the long, and (b) wasn’t as if I took a cycle off. Feeling a bit awkward and uncertain about what to write, especially so early in the cycle.

My goals are to:

  1. Be with myself to craft ways of being and come froms that will support me in life, most importantly patience, kindness, and consideration of others; and
  2. Use my free time constructively to read, practice guitar, further some religious participation and experiences.

I appreciated some great questions on my draft goals related to why is my being goal important to me; what made me stray from those ways if I had them as core when I was younger; would I be ok if I couldn’t come up with any how much/by whens as follow through, and more.

I feel that I have become wrapped up in my own self, caring about my own issues, and my own point of views to the point where it impacts who I am as a person. I enjoy a loose conversational style rather than a linear one, but I find that I am apt to overrun someone else mid-sentence no matter what they were saying in a way that I myself find rude. I have a group of people with whom I will truly be giving, caring, open and listening, while with many others – including family members – I am abrupt and short. I don’t speak with my close family (parents, sisters, grandmother, nieces/nephews) nor am I keeping up with those who were close friends to the degree that I would prefer. I feel increasingly lonely despite having an incredibly large circle of friends, amicables (my own term…happy to explain), and acquaintances.

No, I don’t feel depressed and lonely- I just feel out of touch. A part of that relates to how I interact with people, who chooses to contact me and how. I’m not saying I feel that I drive people away – but I also don’t feel like I’m bringing people close. I’m often outgoing, but in a way that perhaps limits the depth of most relationships, many of which I would prefer to deepen. In short, I am taking on this role to create self-awareness, kindness, empathy, practicing self-love and being whole as well as caring for others.

What made me stray from this goal was a sense of disappointment in myself – a lack of direction for my career, a lack of positive feelings about my physical appearance, being torn about where I live and what type of person I want to be, and more. I am within the camp of those who believe that you can’t offer love to others if you don’t love yourself. As I’ve gotten short of patience for myself; for my perceived shortcomings or failures; for my indifference; for my long-windedness; for my inability to decide; for my fears; for my stubbornness, etc. – each item has magnified and intensified into a lack of patience with others who mirror each of my traits.

Whether they were my family, my friends, or strangers, people who exhibited the behaviors that I grew to despise in myself became subject to my sarcasm, my anger, or my disappearance. A main driver, therefore, for this goal is practicing acceptance, self-love, and a willingness to be with myself and others even if I don’t feel comfortable.

When it comes to the concept of how much by when, I view it not only as an accountability tool or sign post of how much I have accomplished, but also as a clear objective marker of how far I’m willing to go. If this goal is as important to me as I’m stating, just how far am I willing to go to create it in my life. So when I’m faced with the question of ‘what if you can’t find how much/by whens – would you be ok with that?’ my response is ‘no.’ If I can’t find something to list, I don’t think I’m thinking hard enough or creatively enough. On the other hand…I’m also about acceptance right now, so if I push myself and I consult with others and come up short…well, sometimes that’s how things go.

Thankfully, I do have some measurement goals and I’m looking forward to an interesting cycle. If you stuck with this, thanks!

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2 thoughts on “Hadar – Week 1

  1. I love how you are digging deep to really take things to the next level and take yourself on. Looking forward to “being” in this together.

    Like

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