Has it seriously only been a WEEK since this cycle started?? It feels like a month….so much has happened. A mixed bag of awesome and awful. At least life isn’t boring…
I’ll start with the awesome, because that’s always more fun.
– I love my new job. Like, LOVE. It’s the kind of work I’ve always wanted to do, and my last job prepared me well for it, though it’s a very different type of work. My group within the firm focuses on two things – enabling nonprofits to achieve the most impact they can in the most financially sustainable way, and enabling foundations to build capacity amongst their grantees in order to create the most holistic impact. Basically, helping good organizations do the most good they can in the world. Everything from social service to churches to Walmart Foundation to Jewish organizations I know well!
I’ve only been there a little more than a week, but I feel really comfortable. Lots to learn, but I’m joining along with a bunch of other new people. People are friendly, and easygoing, and passionate, and everyone is super independent. My boss/es are great (and hands-off), which is huge considering I haven’t had a boss since…2008? On the flip side, I am SO HAPPY not to be the boss of an org right now. A good change.
Everyone works really hard but no one is tracking when you show up and leave. (Although I am tracking my work in 15-min increments for clients!) So while I know I will ultimately be super busy here like everyone else is (which is the way I like to work, honestly) I am really enjoying my relaxing beginning. I have time to think and breathe.
– Hadar and I had a fun 24-hour getwaway to the Jersey Shore this long weekend. It was so nice to get away and enjoy the sunshine (on the beach!!), relax, eat good food etc. I was feeling very up and down because of what I’ll get to a bit later in this post, and Hadar was SO awesomely supportive as always.
– Which leads me to my next point, Hadar is just the best. He’s so incredibly supportive, attentive and caring and is there for me through good and bad. He always puts me first. Last night, though, I was so touched that he scheduled a date to talk through his own PSP goals and we could focus on him! And we got to celebrate national margarita day, whoo hoo! I am SO grateful for our rock-solid relationship which hasn’t wavered even despite some tough times.
So that’s the awesome stuff, which I am so grateful for.
The rough stuff this week – back-to-back upsetting, dare I say devastating news, first about our IVF cycle and then about my former organization. They are completely different and the IVF one affects me much more…but having them come in back-to-back was rough.
I’m not going to share details of the news, but can share how I feel/how I’m handling. On the IVF front, it’s such an emotional roller coaster. I know Hadar feels similarly about a lot of this, but I’ll speak for me to not speak for him! I feel blessed to have this opportunity to do IVF – to live in the modern age, work with incredible doctors, have health insurance that offers extensive coverage, and have the time/luxury of being able to handle the schedule. I am proud of myself for handling this process as well as I can – it’s really tough physically and emotionally. And while the process went smoothly for quite a while, then we had a big setback, which is entirely out of our control (as is all of it). So it’s back to the drawing board, and I hope we’ll continue to have the luxury of the above items continuing. All I can do is have faith it will work out! All things considered, I feel pretty good – much better than I did a week ago.
On the past organization front, as I mentioned in my PSP I did a good job of finally separating myself from my work there. It took a while, and of course I will be brought back to it occasionally – I worked there for 5.5 years and it was a HUGE part of my life! I became close with my colleagues there and we’re still in touch. As you know, the reason I left was complex, and the way the org handled me leaving was….interesting, and it created much more complexity. So the org is in a rough place, and while they are very much respecting my boundaries they did reach out with some intense updates/questions this weekend. While I have no loyalty to the founders (aka the ones who drove me to leave) I have lots of loyalty to many others there, so it’s a balancing act for me and my sanity. After my phone call with them some familiar habits returned (e.g. waking up for 2.5 hours in the middle of the night with anxiety). Those sleepless nights are why I left the org, and I’m not looking to bring them back.
After a day or two like that, though, I was able to put it out of my mind. It helps that I have a new job and am in a new place, and I have a new perspective on the org from the outside. Unfortunately, this is definitely not the end of the story, so it is on me to commit to maintaining my strength and healthy distance and recognize that, as with IVF, this is out of my control at this point.
Onto the weekend – working from home tomorrow, hanging with fun friends over shabbat, and downtime on Sunday.
Your posts have been incredible – to all of us on a big first week!