This past week I meditated 4 days out of the week and have really started to feel the collective impact of all the small meditations into a more calming presence. More so I am able to really notice that when I don’t meditate coincidently or not something goes a rye that day.
I continued working with my coach who specializes in working with caregivers and am starting to reflect on how I act when crisis happens in relation to my core values.
I started a new procabulary online course with one of my employees. This is day two and I am pretty excited this will compliment my work on my being. Basically the premise is upgrade your vocabulary, upgrade your thoughts, upgrade your reality.
Today I got to see my Dad and he is doing so well. I am so grateful. He looks 100 time better than he has after his accident. He even looks better than when he was living at home by himself!! I had this moment today where I was so happy and alive and thankful of what I created for him. 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂
Then the over arching theme of conflict between me taking care of my Dad and my goals came up again. I had a tennis tournament today. I also had an appointment that was really important to name me as fiduciary for my father with the VA. Make a long story short I kept the appointment this morning instead of my doing my usual pretournament ritual of warming up for 30 min to an hour, stretching and eating a good breakfast. Result, I played awful, I overhit almost 80% of my shots, I didn’t move well it was like I was sleep walking and I lost the match in an hour. As I realized I was losing it started to be such a mental f$#% as how could this be happening to me. I had sent my intention before I went in to be grateful that I was able to play, go with the flow, play relaxed and even if I lost be happy my Dad was doing so well. I instead started to think how could I have possibly lost this match. I was supposed to win this whole tournament. During the match it started to be so mental. My coach says the only reason I lose matches is mental and me being nervous not skill. I am so fit and everyone knows how much I love tennis and train for it for me to lose 6-1, 6-1 really kicked my ego in the butt. I then started how I almost got back in my repeat pattern of blaming my Dad if I didn’t have that VA appointment in the am I could have warmed up etc and won. But the reason I came this weekend was for my Dad. I talked the whole situation through with my best friend and acknowledge myself for improving and not slipping back into negative thought patterns. Just because I lost today does not mean that I can not reach my goals while caregiving for my Dad. I didn’t lose because I had a mind shift and was more relaxed go with the flow and grateful to be playing. So I get to continue this new mindset while incorporating the physical routines I know serve me on tournament day. I am enough. I do not need to win a tournament to prove I am enough. But it sure would have felt AMAZING if my Dad was doing amazing and I won……not perfect but steps in the right direction.