On Tuesday my boss told me (over the phone as she is away until Friday) that effective immediately, I am responsible for closing deals, and that if deals don’t close, it’s on me. She also said that if we don’t close three deals this week and have two more in progress, I can’t work next week because she can’t afford to pay me. Yes, you read that correctly. We haven’t been closing many deals for 2 months under her (lack of ) leadership and now in 4 days, it’s up to me to close three and change, or my job is on the line.
My immediate reaction was to be pissed off. It felt completely unfair and was more evidence of why this is not someone for whom I want to work. However, after spending the day feeling kind of flabbergasted, I went to yoga and regained my calm. I realized that I will do my best, and if the deals don’t close, not only will the world not end, but I will have next week off to evaluate whether this is a job I want in the first place.
On Wednesday morning, I went into the office clear on my mission, to give 100% and also have fun in the process. In the morning, I meditated and said my contract and ways of being with a renewed commitment. When I got to work, I had a great conversation in which I enrolled my co-worker, who has suddenly basically become my assistant, into being on my team rather than being resentful about the sudden shift in power. And honestly, work has felt completely different, and much better, these last two days. I still don’t know if all the necessary deals will close in time, but my team has made enormous progress in the last few days and it felt really good to step into a leadership role and be super productive.
My boss returns from her trip tomorrow so the energy in the office will definitely be different than the past few days, but I am committed to retaining my newfound positive energy and get to work on not giving her as much power over my experience.
On the relationship front, after my date this weekend, I decided I no longer want to date the guy I’ve been seeing recently. A lot of judgments came up for me on the date. I noticed them and attempted to shift and come back to the present, but was only moderately successful at best. While he is a good guy, it became apparent to me that our chemistry is off in addition to several major life factors that I’m realizing are not what I want. I struggle to trust that feeling because I am so aware of my tendency to rule people out based on my judgments, but I also have to trust myself. It’s an ongoing challenge to discern what is my truth and what is unhealthy patterns repeating. For the moment, I’m giving myself the benefit of the doubt on this one.