Feeling off-kilter

I’m not even sure if I spelled that correctly…one of those times when you right something and then go back to look at it and think, hmm, maybe I’m not sure how to spell that…like the first time I tried to spell the words ‘kitschy.’ Still not sure I got that right even after looking it up once.

Anyway, enough prologue, onto the post.

Positives – I accomplished a good bit of what I set out in the first two weeks. I’m really being with myself related to my goal. I’m focusing on my self-awareness, especially moments when I’m feeling close-minded, judgmental, and resistant. I had a great conversation with Naomi, one that I’d put off months if not years. I’ve been saying my contract with regularity and enjoying the moments when I feel it encourage me in a new direction or just feel some positive energy enter my body or mindset. I’ve practiced guitar and read with more regularity than in years, and I’m also making progress on prepping the book of Esther – see below.


For Esther, I have 43 verses still to learn. A couple things to note – first, this is one of the old school things that’s in a way really cool about Judaism. This is one of the books of our Writings, and we read it off of parchment – everyone comes to hear this – men, women, kids, even little little kids.

Part of it for the kids is the fun part of the story in that an enemy rises and we, fortunately, survive and thrive. Each time the enemy’s name is mentioned, the entire congregation boos, makes noise, etc – so the kids LOVE this because they FINALLY get to go to services and make as much noise as they way. It’s also a holiday in which we celebrate a real physical survival, so we dress up and often act with more abandonment than the Rabbis generally permit (yes, many people we know will look for Halloween costumes they can repurpose).

For me, preparing to read the books has been a goal for a long time – my parents gifted me with a copy written on parchment years ago and I kept saying this will be the year, this will be the year, but never put in the time. It’s amazing what making a commitment in this group & to others can do for my willingness to push forward and perhaps, also, not look bad.


That’s what Esther looks like written in Hebrew on parchment. FYI, we only write the consonants, s gd lck trng t rd t bcs t snt lws s (so good luck trying to read it, because it isn’t always easy.), not even the punctuation – words just flow on. Not only do we have to remember how to pronounce the words, and how to break up the sentences, but there’s also a special tune that’s used throughout the book, which nearly each word taking on musical notes that we have to use as we read it.

That may sound crazy, but it isn’t – it’s actually easier learning a song than a random piece the same length. I’ve been enjoying it, and as always, with items like this, I feel more bound to my religion when I’m thusly engaged.

Other stuff:

I have not kept up as much with my reading or guitar playing, despite them being higher, they still aren’t high enough. I’m definitely still wasting time at night and get to focus up. Part of it I know I can try to excuse away, but that doesn’t count when I’m living in a world of no excuses – it’s my goal to accomplish and I get to do it.

Lastly, my big work event is this coming Wednesday night, and in many ways I’m excited about it – I raised more with this event by $60,000+ than it ever raised before, and that’s going to help me with my overall annual work goals and deliverables. I’ll also be excited to get it out of the way since it’s a huge bubble of time and actions out of my year.

There’s some other stuff I will want to discuss here & hopefully next week or the week after I can get to it. It relates to some things Naomi mentioned in her posts about our complications with this round of IVF…I mentioned it briefly last week and I brought it up at my small group meeting, but there’s more to explore. This is the main reason for the title to this week’s post, which is odd since so much of the rest of the post is fairly positive, and yet I’m still feeling a bit sideways. Looking forward to exploring and sharing with you.

Wishing everyone a productive week!


One thought on “Feeling off-kilter

  1. good luck with the reading prep and the event tomorrow night! sounds like you’re getting a lot done.


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