Week 2 – Birthday Anticipation and the Desire to Sleep In

I woke up Sunday committed.  Mom’s chicken soup was happening.  Step 1. Call mom for the recipe.  Check.  Step 2.  Head over to Homegoods and invest in an 8qt soup pot.  Check.  Step 3.  Pick up all of the ingredients.  Chicken at the overpriced kosher store.  Check.  Good looking vegetables at overpriced Whole Foods.  Check.  But you don’t have dill?  How can the UWS be out of dill…at 3 stores!?!?  Ok, so now I have to run home and drop off all of my ingredients and then search for dill.  5 stores later I find dill!  I have all of the ingredients.  Check.  Time to get all of the ingredients in the pot and cook!  Uh oh.  It’s 7:00pm and I have 8 qts of soup that won’t be ready until 9:00pm and I’m only going to have a bowl or two tonight and I have to wait for the rest to cool so I can freeze it!  Such an amateur.  So it’s a later night than anticipated but I watch the oscars to the end and I hear La La land, I mean Moonlight win best picture.  The soup filled my soul and the freezer is stocked for future soul nourishment.

The soup goal for me is about just getting into action.  While I like to think that I am curious about almost anything and eager and open to learning new things, sometimes I get into a funk where all new things seem out of reach for whatever reason- too hard, too expensive, no time, not really interested blah blah blah.  And I get stuck in the fixed mindset (as opposed to the growth mindset).  So I just wanted to nudge myself back into the growth mindset and to take on something small, but pleasurable like soup!!  I think I will make squash soup next.

My wake-up-an-hour-earlier goal is proving to be more challenging.  My bday is coming up on March 16 and I find this time of year tough.  Part of me is excited and wanting to celebrate.  But a much bigger part of me wants to hide, feel sorry for myself, and go into beat-up mode for not having made more progress in my life.  So I just want to go back to sleep and not be with these feelings.

I know that is just what I need to do, be with the feelings, and shift, and choose.  But it ain’t easy.  I’m tired of being with the feelings.  The feelings are so familiar.  I want the excitement  and the clarity that is supposed to come on the other side of the shitty feelings.  That piece is more confounding for me, the fact that I haven’t been able to shake myself into more action over the years.  But I march on.  And I am open and excited about new possibilities, damnit!

This blog post was supposed to be on wed., but I was out Tuesday night with a good friend who was in town, and wed night I was with my gf.  I could have gotten something up on the blog, but probably not the post that I wanted.  So I pushed it off to today.  I get to look at that, and yes, am aware that that happens in other areas of my life and see the impact on me and y’all.

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