Fighting my body

When I was in HS I had trouble sleeping. I remember the doctors told me to sleep with lavender, which did not help. My mother asked me what I think about before bed; I didn’t understand her question and chose to ignore it. In retrospect, I couldn’t handle now what I managed in HS – running multiple committee, going to school for 12 hours a day…all while going through puberty.

My sleeping issues dissolved once I went to college. I started to have issues again when I moved to NYC. Lately, they have gotten worse.

My mother was right. My issues sleeping are connected to my racing thoughts and anxieties. These issues present themselves in my nightly teeth grinding and my need to quiet my thoughts with an episode or two of TV in order to fall asleep.

Overall, things are going really well. Work, school, family, relationships. It’s lovely. I am super appreciative. But there is a very honest voice nagging at me to figure out my career path and face a few realities that I love to drown out during the day. I play on my phone, grab a snack, stop by a coworkers cube or watch Netflix. It’s so easy to drown out my feelings these days. To be clear – it’s not my nerd talking, I am pretty sure it is the anti-drift. It is begging me to figure out my vision and live it. Since I was in middle school I had goals, passion, and drive. The past few years were so hard I just focused on escaping the bad. Now that I feel I am back on track with life, that anti-drift voice is getting pretty loud. But I love how simple things are right now. I actually think I need some simplicity to recuperate. At the same time I am not fulfilled by the simplicity. Additionally, there are decisions to make that I am avoiding. So during the day I avoid the decisions/feelings/work I need to do, and then when I try and go to sleep it all bubbles up. I refuse to sit with all of this during the day. I should. I will soon. I know I will since I created a situation in my life where I have external deadlines so I have to pay attention to these feelings soon.

The good part – I feel way better prepared to deal with all of this. I think about these situations and I don’t freak out. Yes, I avoid, but it’s a whole different set of feelings.

I still often wonder what I will do, as if I am a character in a book that I am reading. By the way, I always read the first chapter of a book and then the last. I hate anticipation. I hope that gives you a glimpse into how hard parts this journey has been for me.




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