I have no idea where to begin.
Last week SNL had a skit that showed Ivanka Trump (played by Scarlet Johansen) in a perfume ad, the perfume was called Complicit; for the woman who could make it all stop right now.
I’ve been telling some friends that I was “struggling with trust” in my relationship, but I was really struggling with fear of listening to my intuition because I wanted my relationship to work, because I loved him, because in the past I ran when I got scared.
J and i were going to attend a conference together, but canceled the trip because of money. I told my sister yesterday that, maybe because of the stress of a move, I had thought, “what if Jason went on the trip without me?” She responded, “girl, you are crazy”… but he was really hard to get a hold of all weekend, which only happens when he travels or he’s on call. And he was “sleeping in” (hello time change) and calling me later in the mornings before work. I even came right out and said it to him, that I had the thought maybe he went without me, that it would have been ok of he did, and he said, “no, of course not, I am so sad we can’t be together right now!” But last night, when he didn’t call me after work, and 8 o’clock rolled around, I called his hotel in California. I asked for his room. They transferred me. And he answered.
He’s been lying to me for a long time. And I’ve been ignoring my intuition and “working on trust”. From here, I get to work on trusting myself. I was completely Complicit in this entire… do you call this a relationship? Whatever it was, in the recesses of my brain and heart, I simultaneously sought out and feared…it. I talked myself into it, and that’s not love, that is a desperate woman trying to rationalize something that’s not right. I hoped the best of him.
I am still in shock, I didn’t sleep last night. I haven’t cried. One of the thoughts I had as I tossed was the Turn-around from the Byron Katie Judge your neighbor worksheet; you take your judgement: he lied to me a thousand times (yes, I have a flair for drama), and turned it to “I lied to myself a thousand times.” And it’s true.