I am on a mission to find my passport, which I placed at the very back of my storage unit, when I was still engaged and looking for an apartment for 2. Everything that’s in here is falls into one of 3 categories:
1. I wasn’t sure if I should keep it, so i asked J, and he said yes, AS THOUGH HE WOULD BE IN MY LIFE. As though he was free to be in my life and committed to being in my life. Because he told me every day blatantly and subtly that he would be my partner. So now these things live here, in a 5×10 box, barring the way to things I actually want and love.
2. It’s something I really love and want to have in my life because it’s cool or it was my grandmother’s or because it’s a nice dresser so of course I’m going to keep it.
3. I want it, but maybe not enough to move it to another apartment by myself (without any help, which I thought I would have from my partner!)… and will I even have a back yard for a fire pit? And how often am I going to use a fire pit? And this is what happens when you are the last person to move out of the house. You take all the stuff that gets left there by your kind and well meaning roommates.
There is no one here to rescue me from myself (my stuff) or fix this or make me feel better or affirm how well it’s going, or even to hand boxes to. This is an opportunity to help myself. I coach and sooth and reassure myself.
So I’m taking the tv and the printer for my brother who’s about to start college and I’m giving the patio furniture to Goodwill and I am starting clean. I am letting myself feel these feelings, so i can look them in the face and know I am not broken by them. I am going to keep everything I adore and I’m donating the hiking pack, because I haven’t used it in 3 years. I choose peace.
A few weeks ago I said that everything happens for us, not to us. Today I had to get my passport because I’ve started a part time job, and they needed it. But if my passport had not been in the very back of my storage unit, and I had not chosen to be responsible and retrieve it and gone into my storage unit, this space would have become a burial ground. Today I got to organize it, collect some valuables, and release some of J’s things. If someone had come with me, the breakdown that inspired this post would not have been the breakthrough of self coaching and self reliance. This is all happening for me.
There is an aisle! I am free!