I want to feel that I am enough, that what I have in life is enough, and I feel that I have had enough of all these grungie feelings.
This week in therapy I talked about the immense pain I feel that I am still sad most days. I have put in so much effort to understand myself/this pain, work with it, and heal it. It feels that this priority encompassed my focus for the past few years. Yet, there is still this piece of me that hurts so much. I am so sick of being sad, unsure, and afraid. And when I feel this way I go own a spiral: Do I need to change my attitude? Rewrite my narrative? Accept that this might be life (getting a new job and starting school helped so much!)? Make a change? Understand that maybe I emotionally lean toward sadness? Explore how I became this person (my childhood) in order to heal? Am I doing something wrong? Is this just life?
The pain bubbled up today when I realized I actually achieved my goals, and yet it still doesn’t feel right. The past few years I struggled to learn to love myself, and I think I got there. I struggled with my marriage, which has improved tremendously. I searched for a job where I do interesting work, am appreciated and various healthy work practices are put into place – which is exactly what I have. I also figured out a career path which suits all of my needs [might not be the right path for me, which is also painful, and I am not sure I feel passion for], I got into a great MA program, and (thanks to Naomi), secured funding for much of the degree. When I thought about all this I burst into tears. I actually did it. A version of myself five years ago would not recognize myself today. Yet again, I still feel such pain a lot of the time.
My goals are further attempts to heal these wounds. I am looking into real estate for many reasons – I enjoy the real estate market, I want to invest my money, I want to stop throwing away money on rent, and I want to have a project to do with my hubs. My second goal – do happy things – is because, well, I have been so stuck in coming home every day and “figuring things out” or accomplishing goals. Having fun has not been a priority the last few months so I want to ensure that I infuse it into my life. I feel good about these goals. They are attainable but stretchy and will move me forward in many arenas of life.
I’m blogging about the things that I struggle to talk about and/or am sick of talking about it so much. It feels really nice and safe to speak about it here. Thanks for reading.