Blergh

Blergh. All was going swimmingly in my first week of the cycle. My goals are focused on joy and peace, essentially. Not because I’m not a joyful or peaceful person, but because as of late things have felt heavier and I wanted to be intentional about infusing it back into my life. Similar to the concept of our contract – focusing on those qualities that we have and feel but are sometimes hidden…our diamond within the rough, as they say.

So why the blergh? Because the IVF journey continues to go up and down, and even when it’s not a part of my PSP, of course it’s a part of my PSP, because PSP is life! (Though we spent a few hot seconds arguing about the name of PSPLife in cycle 2 or 3, I think it reflects its reality beautifully). It’s a journey, and the way I feel goes up and down both physically and emotionally. Recently I’ve started to feel a bit better emotionally though not physically, ironically. (Often it’s the opposite). And today things took another down in the form of a call with my doctor. At 2:30 in the afternoon, sitting at my desk. Nothing awful, I’m not sick, and thank god i work in a culture where, when my boss walked in a few minutes after I hung up and I was wiping the tears from my eyes, I was able to let her know I had a hard call with my doctor. Because she knows what’s going on and is super supportive.

So, blergh. This too shall pass and I’m thankful for this community and for my goals to get me through it. Excited to start brainstorming a joy bucket list this weekend as well as starting to plan our vacay. We have a mini vacay coming up in May that is a great thing to look forward to also.

And – I know I’m a dork – but I really truly have fun at work and gain a lot of joy and stimulation from it. So that’s huge. There’s a great quote that says “Don’t pick a job with great vacation time. Pick a career that doesn’t need escaping from.”

(An alternate version of this quote is….’pick a LIFE that doesn’t need escaping from’…that speaks more broadly to doing the work and taking ownership of your life).

My second goal is meditation as a means to create peace and patience. Meditating inherently pushes me to be patient, to get comfortable with stillness and quiet and to be patient with myself when my mind wanders…and wanders…and wanders. At this point I’ve probably meditated, or attempted to meditate, fewer than 15 times in my life. I’m new at it, and I haven’t done it consistently. I know that it probably takes 30 days to create a practice and a habit. That’s why I took it on as a goal! And beyond the practice forcing me to be more patient in the moment, the goal is that it also makes me more patient in life by clearing the mind.

The other day I was waiting for the elevator to go down to the laundry room. The elevators were slooowww and nowhere near my floor, and it took every ounce of will power not to run back into my apartment and get my phone, just to give me something to do and fidget with. How crazy is that, that I can’t go 5 minutes with just nothing to do but wait for the elevator? So I pushed the will power and skipped the phone. Small steps.

After spending the last few hours stuck on one project and repeatedly pushing off workblocks on my calendar for other projects, I think I may need to call it a night. Some days are harder to focus than others!

Happy cycle 10, friends. This is my 10th first blog of the cycle! Amazing!

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3 thoughts on “Blergh

  1. I love your goals this cycle. I am all about joy and peace. That said, what you’re going through is HARD and I think it’s important to let yourself feel the downs as well as the ups. I know you want to move on from feeling sad/shitty ASAP (as any normal person would). And I’m not suggesting you wallow in sadness, just that you give yourself permission to sit with whatever shows up for a minute rather than immediately distracting or pushing it down. As they say, the only way out is through.

    Also, that time waiting for the elevator is a perfect time to meditate, which basically just means bringing your attention to your breath. Meditation does not have to be sitting in stillness. In fact, any time you wait for an elevator, on a line, for the train, etc is a perfect opportunity to tune into your breath and become aware of your body.

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  2. Naomi, I just want to acknowledge how vulnerable and open you have been during the ups and downs of your situation. I respect and admire you. And yes the meditating comes easy for me sometimes and other times I want to multitask meditation which is the opposite of what it is about. One exercise I have been trying in situations like you described waiting for the elevator is to take in everything around me. I did this while waiting for the subway. What did I smell and focus on that? What did I see? I described everything to myself mentally and with description as intense as I was writing a book. Before I knew it the train had come and I was totally present and relaxed.

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  3. I feel comfortable commenting here as I am in the company of some seasoned “meditators” and one’s who are taking it on.. Naomi I can totally relate to that. I have been trying to breath more while even on the train.. Last night I was heading home from Brooklyn and my phone died. It was a challenge to just sit and “be”. Naomi I also acknowledge you for being vulnerable.

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