I tend to get involved with things in fits and bursts. Declarations, attempts at organization, relationships: My inspiration propels me like a rocket only for gravity to, just as fast, send me hurdling downward at the same speed. The drift comes quick and this parabolic path almost becomes a daily experience.
I detected this swing in the pendulum, again, after drafting my PSP. The initial excitement turned to discouragement when I considered the first step towards my goals: reading the feedback. It is the same resistance I feel, typically, whenever I start a project. After the initial step, I tend to stick my head in the sand. I hesitate to take action because I am not sure how to take action or if I am even headed in the right direction. Or if I am ready to continue, or if am adequate enough to follow through. A story I tell myself: I already messed up and forging ahead is just going to shoot me farther on the wrong trajectory. That, then, leads to inertia and a drift from my intentions and contract.
It was reassuring, then, that the tail end of this week has focused so much on surrender. Maybe, I do not need to be a rocket–all calculated and exacting—maybe, I need to be more like a glider. Understanding where I am headed, looking for those jet streams to keep me aloft, with a disposition for gently navigating the winds. Did I hear someone say surrender?
This morning, I started to book my lodging in Cuba and Iceland. I was feeling pretty grungy around it, again. My exhilaration with booking the flights soon became the turbulence of negative conversations: “why are you wasting your money”, “you do not really care about going to these places”, “you do not even speak Spanish that well”, “you may get lost”, “you should plans things with longer advance”, “you have to think about starting your next job”, “you should be saving—you have to pay for moving, a new apartment lease, LOANS! Retirement!”
Getting down with my nerd isolates me, it makes me avoid texting or calling people until I finish the daunting task of finding the ‘right’ AirBnB or hotel. It means putting off exercising or eating until I have booked something. I get consumed in the doing. And I know that sets me back. So I will say today, I kept my routine, I made progress on my PSP, but I was not focused on the being.
I am beginning to see that the stretch for me is not only going to be changing my conversation around organizing a hobby, a trip, and an apartment search, but it is going to be staying connected to people as I navigate my shifting attitudes, such that I can create habits that fill me. It involves sharing this process with people around me at every step, because these people will be the jet streams of support and inspiration that will allow me to trust and surrender, and in that regard, I will no longer be traveling alone.