Major Goal: be my best at work by staying connected to my big vision
My biggest win here was making it through my trip to Boca and feeling generally satisfied with my “performance.” It was my first time traveling away from the twins (made more tolerable with FaceTime), and new beginnings are always a little jarring. I was, overall, proud of myself for accomplishing this job change on such a short time table and then jumping in with both feet.
My biggest challenge though was all the nagging voices, tempting me to be negative and disconnect from my vision. During my trip, I gave into them more often than I’d like to admit. This breakdown happened in large part because I scrapped my morning routine that I laid out in PSP for my major goal – the one I designed to keep me connected to my vision – in favor of sleep. The trip was my first chance at uninterrupted sleep, and it was too good to pass up–I hadn’t had uninterrupted sleep since I was 5 mos. pregnant (August or so).
It didn’t quite have the effect I wanted, though. I’m an introvert and the Boca trip quickly made me feel fatigued no matter how much sleep I got. I didn’t really know how to support myself; halfway through I felt completely spent. I think this too may have been solved by doing my morning routine.
This week is about recommitting, which I did on Saturday night. Sunday and today I’m so far back on track, though a little wobbly. I am reminding myself that new routines take a little while to take hold.
Something else happened, though – Sunday I began to buckle under self-imposed pressure. Pressure to excel at work, be a good wife and mother, take care of my physical appearance, and above all else keep it together. Pressure to be perfect. I should know better, but basically I continue to put myself in a catch 22: intense self-imposed expectations to constantly be above and beyond in every sphere of my life while also making it shameful to ask for help. “I need help” are words I literally cannot say, it’s like my mouth refuses to form those words. I’m not entirely sure how to break out of this pattern/problem. Perhaps it’s a matter of really concentrating on the prices I’m paying, and how this will keep me from my vision. Maybe it’s worthwhile too to explore why those words scare me so much.
minor goal: Strenthen singing voice
Aside from setting my baseline on the blog, I did nothing on this goal until my commute to White Plains this morning. In my defense, I designed the goal to be done on my commute and today was the first day I commuted.
On the plus side, posting the baseline was nice because I thought nothing of it. Not that long ago, posting any singing video would’ve been incredibly unnerving.
Still, the main conversation that comes up with singing is: what’s the point? I have a belief that if it isn’t your career, and it isn’t making you money, there IS no point. I couldn’t even tell you were that belief comes from; my parents? It must be. But I’m not sure they ever directly SAID anything like that; I think they just said and did things that suggested that was the “truth.”
So let me try and answer that question for myself – what’s the point? Why sing? It brings me joy, it has me connect to my heart instantaneously, it gives me freedom, it causes me to feel like I’m part of something greater than myself, it gets me present and it causes any inner stress to evaporate. That’s not money, but I think it’d be hard to argue that all of that isn’t pretty damn valuable.
Still, the voice asks, why bother with getting BETTER at singing? That takes time and effort. It would make sense if it were your career, but…
Okay, why strive to get better at singing? It gives me a sense of accomplishment, singing is more enjoyable for me when I feel capable, it expands the range of songs I can sing which allows me to get to sing more of my favorites with confidence, and it opens more opportunities to perform in public (even if it’s not on American Idol or on Broadway or at the Grammys, lol — performing in the subway or at a small cafe is currently all I need to feel fulfilled as a performer).
So hopefully the next time the voice interjects I can remind myself of my authentic answers to those questions.
Final note: what does it feel like being an integrity buddy so far. The team is running like a well-oiled machine right now in terms of being active and making blog posts on time. I feel good about that, and hopeful that we sustain this momentum all Cycle, even as the little voice in my head says no way will that happen. I may have a hard time counting on others–and as I say that I think that’s directly tied to my fears about asking for help (though it’s not the full story). On the plus side, for me personally, I typically am rather self-involved; I don’t pay much attention to others outside myself and my family (Jimmy and the twins and my own immediate family). Keeping track of who is posting what when etc. is supporting me with shifting to more of an outward focus, and I can begin to see a difference in the way I interact – and the way I feel about interacting – this cycle.