Last week my cousin died of stage four lung and brain cancer, he was in his late fifties. Seems surreal because I just saw him four months ago at his mother’s whose is my aunt’s funeral. We just found out he had Cancer about a little over a month ago. He initially told our family he was going in the hospital for chemo therapy, but shortly after he was admitted his health took a turn for the worse.  On Saturday, while on third weekend my brother called to say our family was notified to come to the hospital to say good-bye.  Somehow I was hoping that he would hang on long enough for me to go see him but that did not happened, he passed away on Monday as I was preparing to go. I immediately called my mom and we cried together. It was a really sad moment for me because I started feeling really guilty, selfish and angry at myself for not getting to the hospital sooner. Even though my brother went, it wasn’t the same. He was my cousin and we all grew up together and I loved him dearly.  

I spent the rest of the day mourning my cousin and just beating myself up.  I didn’t go to the gym and started to get really nerdy about everything. When I get nerdy I become cranky and will literally get the case of the “fuck it’s.”   Fuck it I am not working out today. Fuck it I’ll eat whatever I want because I’ll never reach my goal anyway. The list goes on and on and on. 

 I decided at that moment I would forgive myself, meaning that I will choose to make a conscious and deliberate decision to let go any resentment towards myself for not making it to the hospital to say good bye. This is not to negate the fact that I choose not to go at that moment and it’s also not an excuse the fact that I didn’t go. It doesn’t mean I didn’t love my cousin Paul or that I am cold and uncaring.  When you think about it forgiveness is very powerful, because I am choosing to let go of all negative thoughts and resentments towards myself and not being in judgement of myself. I decided to apply forgiveness in my life every day to everyone. 

How do you forgive someone who has hurt you over and over again without acknowledging their transgressions against you. I think to do this you have be resilient at the fact that this person may never acknowledge this fact and you may never get closure Just be at peace with knowing this. Be at peace for what is, and be at peace with the vulnerability ingrained in human life. Then move the fuck on AND LIVE YOUR LIFE without prejudice.




2 thoughts on “FORGIVENESS

  1. Wow I am so sorry, that is really hard. Jimmy has a similar story, only with his father–he never got to say goodbye. I can’t imagine what that’s like, I’ve never had anyone super close to me get sick or die. I think it’s amazing, though, that join so quickly recognized that you need to forgive yourself. Honestly that’s a step I think many people skip, for things both large and small, but as you say it’s so critical. I’m definitely going to do some thinking on self-forgiveness and what I haven’t forgiven myself for – thanks for your vulnerability!


  2. D. I am so sorry. I am so so deeply sorry that you lost your cousin and didn’ t get to say goodbye. I am finally starting to understand what people mean when they talk about closure – I think it’s part of the healing process, knowing that you had a moment to acknowledge one another for the last time. I have this invitation for you (and I want to thank you, because I’ve been wanting to do this myself, but haven’t taken the time, so tonight i will do it for a person I didn’t get to say goodbye to, inspired by you). I invite you to close your eyes, imagine being with your cousin, and thank him for being in your life. Saying any last things you would want him to know. Tell him you love him, and you’ll never forget him. It’s not the same, but he’ll know. Love.


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